Struggling

Hi I must be lucky in a way I have moved in with my father-in-law ours was a council house and was decorated by my wife and everything else was my wife's decision couldn't bear to stay as it was as you say heart breaking just to open a drawer the pain us still with me all the time but not loneliness the pain will never go away it seems 

Hi Mark my hart goes out to you because I am the same as you. My wife picked and chose everything,coloring of paint,rugs,pictures the lot .my wife always liked the car when it was clean so I cleaned it yesterday just for something to do and I thought to myself why am I doing this she will never sit in it again. I have just come in the door from shopping for the first time on my own. Went around the shop in a daze didn’t, know what I was buying ,I just managed to get in the front door and burst in to tears .god knows what I am going to do for the rest of the day.i hope like everyone says it will get better. 

Mike 

Hi Mike, Mark and everyone else who is suffering the early days of bereavement.

I am over 3 years on this awful journey.  How I got this far along, I really don't know.  In the beginning every day seemed endless and time went by so slowly.  I am sure you are feeling just the same.   I got by with hours of mindless TV.   Do whatever helps you.   

Time has passed and whilst I don't think life has got better, it has got easier for me  to live without Paul.  I guess we can get used to anything given time and there really is no alternative,is there?  We have to adjust to being one, when we used to be two and I know you will find this so hard to believe right now, but you will adjust - slowly.  There is no quick fix - I so wish there was.   We just have to keep plodding on, getting through a day at a time.  I so remember my first shopping trip on my own, Mike.  I seemed to be surrounded by couples and there was me - meals for one, small loaf etc.   It's funny but I seem to notice the lone shoppers now more than the couples.  Maybe over time, I have realised just how many people are alone and going through the same torment.   Not that I would wish it on anyone but sadly it will happen to every couple at some point.  

I just wanted to let you see that you will get through these awful days and there will be a little chink of blue sky eventually.  I still miss Paul so much but I know now I always will.  And it's okay to have days when I am still floored by grief,  because there will be other days when I will be happy and having fun.  

Be kind to yourselves and do what you feel you can do.  There is no need to push yourself into doing things you are not ready to do.  Time will pass.   

Take care

Hi Sue thank you for your kind words. I read your profile and am so sorry for the loss of your Paul,you like me had so much to look forward to but had it all taken away. My Winnie had melanoma and was starting on immunotherapy but it spread to the brain and after four weeks it took her. We had also just retired and were looking forward to the future but alas it was not to be. Thank you for telling me there is light at the end of the tunnel,but I think it is a very long tunnel. It’s true what you said alli see at the moment are couples. Perhaps I will notice the singles from now on. 

Hi Mike 

I feel for you, because 6 months on I still walk round Aldi on a daze although I can get what I have to. Still pick items she would have, no vegetables though. Instead some ready meals for the freezer. More comfort food, cake and biscuits. Sweats for Jaynes little grandsons. I spent a little as 20 quid for one. Walking around the shops alone to fill some time is something I'm struggling with at the moment moment. I still could break down at any moment anywhere if I let myself. Driving home after visiting my father and twin brother on a Sunday afternoon, it's always a given as soon as I unlock the back door I'm sobbing. We are clinging to hope, it's the only thing that keeps us going. 

My wife passed with phomunia she had myloma it's strange how fast it takes hold  and very distressing to have to sit through hope your doing ok now and my simpathy goes out to you 

Hi Newb hope the first part of the weekend wasent to bad for you . It is horrible to watch your loved one go through that .. My wife had melanoma which they thought they could cure with immunotherapy but it Spread  to the brain and 4 weeks later  it took her from me .life is crushing,it’s just not fair. As I am sure everyone on this site thinks. Take care. 

Mike 

Hi Sue 

I've seen my little step grandsons this afternoon. A brief bit of respite from feeling utterly lost. As soon as they left the empty silence returns. Their dad broke down earlier. He is struggling, missing his mum. He is off work for 2 weeks holiday now and I've told him he will feel it more during his time as being at home with his family, will allow these thoughts more time pop into his mind.

I'm alone in our house and can fall to pieces any time. I'll get up tomorrow and wait like a lost soul to go to work on Afters. Never thought I'd ever be clinging to the word Hope.

6 months in and it's definitely feeling worse before it gets better. As you further along this terrible journey, what are thoughts on bereavement counselling. As my doctor is pushing me towards it, but I'm not sure. I feel being a member of the group is therapy. 

Hi Mark

First of all, you are so right - the pain at 6 months does seem so much worse.  I think reality sets it and the numbness and disbelief we feel when it first happens, goes.   Good job we have the numbness or I think we would all go mad with grief initially.  I remember someone telling me I would feel like I had hit a brick wall at 6 months and she was so right.  But, because of this, the so called "experts" think 6 months is a good time to start counselling.  

I didn't have counselling when Paul died.  I thought about it but I just decided it would be too painful, and I would have to put effort in and at 6 months, everything seemed too much effort.   Don't know if I was right or wrong.  I found this forum gave me all the support and help I needed without me having to put any effort in!   Plus I found and joined another forum called Way Up - for widows/widowers  over 50 and this was a lifeline.  It is an online group with a similar set up to this.   You can post when you are down and someone will always answer.  But members also organise meet ups with other widows/widowers in your locality for coffee, a meal, walks and even holidays.   The first time I met two other widows for coffee was a turning point - we cried but also laughed together and now meet up regularly.  If you are under 50 there is a similar group called WAY.

The one thing I did which seemed to help enormously was to arrange a meeting through PALS to talk to Paul's oncologist.   I had so many things going around in my brain - the what ifs and could more have been done?   He sat with me for 2 hours and showed such sympathy and understanding and I felt at the end of it that everything that could have been done was done.  Sadly Paul's death was inevitable - cancer won.  That helped so much. 

BUT, I did have 5 sessions of counselling when my father died.  And that was definitely a benefit.  I couldn't express my feelings to anybody in the family without upsetting them, and it was good to talk to someone I didn't know who just listened.  And offered sound logical advice when I was feeling totally illogical. With Paul, I somehow didn't feel the need to talk through my feelings with anybody other than on the two forums and with a couple of good friends who had been widowed too. 

Pleased you had a break with your two little grandsons yesterday.   Children are so good at bringing smiles.  My heart does go out to you, remembering how I felt at 6 months.  Nothing I can say can ease your  pain.  You do have to cling to that word, hope.   Counselling may be the answer for you.  Maybe give it a try and see how you feel after a couple of sessions?.  I know from posts on Way Up - it's not for everyone.  

Take car

I meant, take care!