Struggling

Hi Mike, Mick, Andrea, Newb and everyone else struggling,

I’ve not posted for a couple of days as I was at work but caught up with the thread this morning. I have been sitting here nodding my head at everything written, we all may deal with grief in our own ways but we are definitely sharing some very similar feelings. 

It will be 10 weeks this Thursday since my gorgeous Mark died. Like you Andrea, I am physically crying less but I think it is because I am consciously stopping myself from crying when I feel it coming on, I immediately change the thought in my head or the task that I am doing to try and stop it. I’m sure it’s not a good thing, it feels like denial and running away but I’m having my first bereavement counselling on Friday so I will see if they can tell me if I should be doing something else. 

Like everyone, it is the loneliness, the emptiness and the lack of motivation to do anything that is the worst. I worked with my partner Mark, he and his brother owned a mobile catering company and so I was with Mark 24/7. We travelled to events together, Mark did about 35k miles a year and for most of that I was sitting in the passenger seat beside him. Then we worked at the events together. When it was an away event we stayed in a hotel with the other managers. When there wasn’t an event on we worked in the office together. After work we were at home together watching telly, having dinner, occasionally out for a meal. Since he died I have been onsite for Tatton Park Flower Show without him, for an event at Warwick Castle and this week for the gaming show Insomnia at NEC in Birmingham. 

To say it was a torture is an understatement. I was constantly expecting to see him standing at one of the catering units telling the staff how the food should be looking, or waiting for his voice on the radio asking for stock to be moved. When you are in a public place with thousands of people you are constantly thinking you saw them! Every big tall dark haired man in a blue shirt with his back to me I thought was Mark! That’s why I was constantly fighting back the tears and consciously changing my thoughts but I felt sick for most of it.

Last night was the first episode of the new series of Peaky Blinders. Mark absolutely loved that series, he knew it was due back this month and was really excited about it. There are so many series of different television programmes recorded on our planner and I can’t watch any of them without him because it just feels so bloody unfair that he’s not here to watch them, not unfair for me but for him. I am still struggling badly with the sadness I have for his unfinished life because I absolutely know he would never ever have gone if he had the choice.

We have 3 kids between us, mine is the oldest at 22. She has just moved back home after graduating uni in May. But she has her own life and comes and goes to the gym and to see friends. Mark’s two are 16 and 14, they live with their mum but used to be with us at least 3 nights a week. They have their own rooms and all their stuff here so they could come and go freely. The 16 year old has a boyfriend, a lovely lad who Mark met and approved of, he has been really supportive of her since Mark died but he lives and works on his family’s farm in Wales so she spends a lot of time there now. The youngest one still comes over a couple of nights a week which is lovely but i’d say with school starting that will cease as I don’t drive and Mark used to do the school run with them when they were here. 

Anyway, last night the youngest one was here and I told her how sad I was about Peaky Blinders being on but she said she’d sit in the sitting room with me if I wanted to watch it (usually she’d be in her room on youtube like most 14 yr olds) and so I sat down to watch it. Now, obviously i’m not in my right mind because I put the box with Mark’s ashes in it on the little table next to the couch so he could “watch” it with me. Well what I discovered is that nothing will EVER be the same, or as good again. Just watching it, without him there to comment to, or without him to explain what the feck was going on, or without him to say what he thought after it finished, was pointless. Just the same as not caring what I have for dinner, or even if I bother to have dinner at all, or not bothering whether the grass is cut or ANYTHING is done properly.

I miss his presence, his opinion, his humour, his generosity, his kindness, his wit, his fun, his love, the feeling of safety and contentment I didn’t even realise that I always had, just knowing he was there, my partner, who had my back, who genuinely cared about me. He thought I was clever and funny and sexy. He wanted to spend time with me. He liked and disliked all the same things I did so we were happy to do so much together. I will never, ever be the same again. This emptiness is because he is not here so how can it ever get better? It doesn’t matter if there are people around me, they are not Mark and never can be. He was only 43. He should have been here for another 25 years at least. I just want my normal, content, happy life back, I don’t want anything extra just what I already had. I miss him so much that I still have a pain in my heart and a boulder on my chest. I will never ever be fixed. I will always be broken without him.

sorry that this is so long. I obviously needed to get it out. Today is bank holiday Monday and I am not even dressed yet. I have to cut the grass but I haven’t even had a cup of tea or a slice of toast yet, I’ve been reading posts on Widowed And Young and been looking at old photos on my phone. 

Hope you all get through the day, I’m so glad you are all here, it’s funny how reassuring it is to read that we all feel the same.

who knows, maybe one day we can all meet up and put faces to the names and have a group hug. 

Fiona

Hi Mike, Mark and all

How is your day going? I hope its bearable. 

Just repaired a drawer on the dressing table. I think it was overloaded which caused he front to come off. Found some glue in my husbands tool box, so repaired it. Its easy job to do, but it would be my husband who would repair it for me. 

I am stuck in the house. The heat is too much for me. Got David Attenborough on but have to find something  else to do before it hits me again.

Feel too uncomfortable to contact friends. They are all enjoying the Bank Holiday weekend. Sent text messages to two of them yesterday but haven't had any reply. They all seem busy. Don't blame them. 

This group is the only place I keep coming back without feeling uncomfortable and where we all can cry and find comfort 24/7.

The same  question keeps coming back to my head. Why this nasty desease cannot be picked up early enough. Why our loved ones didn't get chance? How can someone's life end within few weeks after being diagnosed? We all had dreams and plans which were stolen from us together with our loved ones. Now we have nothing but sorrow and pain. 

How will we find peace again? 

Thinking of you all

Andrea

Hi Fiona, 

How are you getting on at work? I am still of work but will have to go back soon.

I haven't beem any where since my husband passed away. I was thinking of going to the nearby small town which we love and used to go there often. But then I thought it will be very sad with him. 

We also used to go to the NEC Birmingham for the food and gardening shown to see our favourite chefs and gardenere. On Saturday just before my husband was admitted to the hospital we went to NEC for the summer gardening and food show. We had a list of plants we wanted to buy and which we did. My husband bought me a climing scented rose plant as a symbol of his love. We never thought at that stage, he was terminally ill. He did feel tired, so we only took the day slowly. It was a wonderful relaxed day out and the last one.

I wish we all found peace one day but its going to be a long journey. No one knows how long. 

Thinking of you all as always. 

Take care

Love

Andrea 

Hi Andrea,

we should have been working at Gardeners World and The Good Food Show, that is one of the events we do. Instead we were in hospital and it was the last weekend before Mark died. I really hope you got the chance to plant the trailing rose, what a lovely thing to have in future summers.

it’s hard to do anything you used to do together isn’t it? It makes me so sad for Mark that he is not here and he is missing out on things he loved to do. It also makes me miss him so much, I know eventually I will be glad to have memories but right now they are too painful. 

I agree with you, this journey will be a very long one, I actually think it will never end. 

Thinking of you too, thanks Andrea.

Fiona x

Sitting here with family trying not to cry it's bank holiday BBQ my wife would have been following the sun as she loved to be out in it everyone else would be in the shade not happening this year or ever again

I’m sorry it’s so rubbish, but it really is hard isn’t it? Just get through five minutes at a time, eat a little, and if you need to cry then cry. You know how there are loads of “helpful” quotes about grief? Well I found only one that makes sense for me, i’ll try and post it for you.

thinking of you Newb, hang in there.

Fiona x

This is why it’s ok to cry x

Thank you that is so good and true I'm trying to stay brave for the grandkids big hugs to all 

You’re doing the hardest job in the world Newb, trying to hold all the broken pieces together so the kids are not affected. You are doing brilliantly. And the day is more than half over. Nearly there.

Fiona x

Hi Mike, 

How has your day been today? I hope, it went as good as possible for you. 

Thank you for the friend request. I have accepted it. 

I didn't sleep too bad. Woke up before 5 pm which was great. Its much better then waking up and its 12am or so and the morning is hours away. 

Did some gardening today as well. A bit early morning. Then a bit after lunch. The heat was too much but i wanted to finish tidying the garden so i pushed myself. Keeping busy has somehow helped me today. But didn't leave the house. Just don't want to meet people. The only people i want to meet is this group. 

Have to go into town tomorrow to see a solicitor to witness our marriage certificate. Then need to post some forms. Hate dealing with these kind of paperwork. But its got to be done. 

I did have a look at some pictures about the Bere island. Its beautiful. Not surprised you and your wife decided to move there. 

I lived on Isle of Bute in Scotland for few years before i met my husband. When you say walks, i know exactly what you mean.

I hope, the rest of the day goes well for all of us. 

Sending you my hugs and xx

Andrea