Recently bereaved

Hi Mel

Our experiences are so similar, I really feel for you. Your Paul sounds lovely too. That was John's middle name! Have you had any counselling? I'm on the waiting list at the hospice where John died but it's likely to be at least 8 weeks and will it help I wonder? My children (29 and 33) have been great but don't live locally and have their own lives. My son is recently married. No grandchildren yet, which is a pity, as John would have been a wonderful granddad. Do you have grandchildren? And lots of friends? I manage OK during the day but resort to wine most evenings. John was never a big drinker but I do miss sharing a bottle of wine with him, and he was very partial to a glass of malt whisky. 

 Best wishes

Anne

Hi Anne,

Yes, oindeed, our experiences seem to be very similar. It's lovely to write with you.

I had counselling in the months after Paul's death. On the day he died, the hospital counsellor came to me to let me know that I could always come and talk to her. I had my first session with her the following week and I had 7 or 8 sessions with her. I sometimes think that I may go for counselling again in the future as I feel that now after a year has gone by I may find it helpful in a different way. But I am not sure. I hope that you won't be too long on this waiting list.

No, I don't have grand-children. I am only 37. My husband was 69 when he died. Today would have been his 70th birthday. We don't have any children either.

As for friends, Paul and I were living a bit of an isolated life I sometimes think, which was for no other reason than that we felt we were enough for each other and particularly as his disease progressed we almost felt like there was no time for anyone else. I have realised, though, that this is not a good way to live. When he died, I had to start almost from scratch building friendship or at least find acquaintances. And that was at a time when I really needed all my energy for my grief and it would have been lovely if friends had just been there. Well, I had made friend with two people over the years and they were there for me. But it was sometimes very lonely until I slowly began to spread my wings a little. I have joined Meet Up groups and have made contact with people whom I hadn't seen in a long time. So, while I am not really lonely, I feel the emptiness very much because the one person with whom I want to share everything is no longer here.

Yes, the alcohol... I used to drink the occasional glass of wine or beer or in recent years gin and tonic. When Paul died, I said to myself, "It is okay to enjoy a drink but only when I am with people". This soon turned into, "Well, when I am on the phone to my family in Germany or to my German friend Katharina I can have a glass because, yes, I am alone in the house but not really alone because I am on the phone". And nowadys I have to admit that I sometimes have a gin and tonic when I come home from work and feel like one. Not every night, and I wouldn't do that as I would be far too afraid to become addicted. But I feel that my tolerance has certainly changed over the months. That is probably not a good thing.

Love, Mel.

Dear Anneh1981

I can relate to all of your posts & I am so sad for you. Everything you have said about getting cross with him about eating & drinking but we only did it cos we wanted them so much to get better but like you when we had the diagnosis we both knew it was terminal but neither of us would accept it I think he did more than me but I was in complete denial. It has been nearly six months since he died but I still can't believe I will never see him again. I still have all his clothes & bits & pieces I can't bear to get rid of anything or change anything. I'm sorry I am not being too helpful but just wanted you to know that I understand exactly how you are feeling. Thinking of you with love & hugs.

Jojo xxx

Dear Jojo

I have cleared out most of John's clothes, as I couldn't bear to keep seeing them, and they're being collected next week for our local hospice. But I had to have a friend to help me, and I did feel a bit like I was 'removing' him from my life and from the house, but I think it will help me to go forward. We're all different though and I think you have to be ready to take that step, which you obviously aren't at the moment. I still have lots of his books and DVDs, and we had very different taste in books and films, so I'll never look at them and will at some point donate those to charity too. The worst things are the mementos - cards, photos, little gifts he gave me - I found a little trinket the other day that he gave me last Christmas that said 'If you're ever having a bad day, just remember that I love you'. I'll never be able to get rid of those. And I've kept his dressing gown, and a couple of his favourite shirts, and his Christmas T shirt! 

How long were you together Jojo, and how long had your husband been ill? Do you mind me asking what cancer he had? And do you have family around? I hope you're getting lots of support.

Anne x