Long weekend on my own for first time since my wife died in October

Hi Ian,

I really understand you. From the moment my husband passed away until only a couple of weeks ago, I always made sure to have something arranged for my weekends - for both days ideally but at least for one day - so that I wouldn't have to be alone and so that I wouldn't have time to relax and maybe have to face thoughts or feelings that would be painful. I don't remember when exactly this stopped, but it was not because of my own doing but because suddenly somebody didn't have time or the weather was really bad or something like that. And, you know what? Once I spend the weekend on my own, it was actually not as bad as I had expected and in a way it was even nice, it was as if I gave myself permission to finally feel what I needed to feel. I structured my weekend and found that very helpful. So I would say: Okay, tomorrow I will get up, have breakfast, then go for a walk, come home and meditate, then prepare lunch... That worked really well for me. Three days is a lot for the first weekend, but I am sure you will get through it, you can always come on here and write something, and of course please tell us after the weekend how it went for you.

Love, Mel.

Hi Mel

Thanks for taking the time to respond. Your words are very helpful. I'll let you know how I get on

take care

Ian

Hi I know that feeling. Just after my husband passed away we'd  booked 2 weeks off and I was desperate  saying to work you sure you don't need me . I'm  happy to come in. I hope you can do something you enjoy just for you. But it will be strange and you can plan or leave it flexible. Let us know how you go. I'm  coming up 10 months. Best wishes

Hi Mel,

I hope your weekend went ok. Mine wasn't as bad as anticipated. I replaced the curtains in the bedroom, cleaned the house from top to bottom. Went for a walk. Went to the Gym. Even had a pseudo dance with my Margi in the kitchen while listening to Michael Buble, Cooked some nice food and had the radio, tele or music on all the time.

So yes you guessed  I failed at having a quiet weekend and kept doing things to stop me thinking too much. I did have a weep when I found myself dancing in the kitchen. If you saw me dancing you'd question dancing.

But do you know what perhaps that's all I have to do to get through and at the same time let time do it's bit. The memories of Margi's illness are getting weaker and the memories of the good times are getting stronger and I realise how lucky I was to have 42 years with my best friend, lover and soul mate.

When I look at some of the other postings it's time for me to stop feeling sorry for myself and get on with life, whatever it has in store, as I'd promised Margi I would so perhaps the weekend was a success after all.

Take care 

Ian B

Hi Ian

I'm glad the weekend was not as bad as anticipated. That you found comfort ate well exercised cleaned and got something to freshen up your room. It was lovely to hear your appreciation  of your amazing long time together. It sounded a good way to honour your memories. Thankyou for your post 

IanB, we're in the same boat. It's 7 months since i lost my soul mate, Cath and I'm just now starting to remember all the good times we had rather than the last few weeks of her suffering. After her death I went crazy and just filled every minute with something to do just to take my mind off things. I'm calmer now and I've tried various social activities but at seventy years old it's not easy to start afresh. The odd thing is that when I'm doing something we used to do together I feel guilty that she's not enjoying it with me.

Hi Ian,

I am glad your weekend went as it did. Your experience of that weekend sounds very much like my own experience of my first weekend alone. I think we anticipate that we will feel really bad and that all feelings we haven't been able to feel because we have stayed so busy all the time will come out and overwhelm us, but what we find instead is that it is not as difficult as expected and that we can get through it and maybe even find things we can do to make it not only bearable but maybe even a little bit enjoyable. And the experience makes us stronger because now we know that we can do this. And when the next weekend comes around where you have no plans you won't be so afraid of it.

I am glad you did some cleaning and changed the curtains. Those things I always find very therapeutic.

Best wishes

Mel.