Hi everyone.
Tonight I would like to share some of my thoughts with you regarding loving and losing and our life after losing a loved one. I am not sure how well I am able to express my thoughts and feelings since this process is still ongoing so please bear with me.
I remember writing here last week that I was feeling drained after Paul's first anniversary and that I was even feeling as if I was getting sick or something.
This feeling changed on Sunday evening. For the first time since Paul's death, I was sitting on the couch listening to a talk by Wayne Dyre and thinking "Yes, it is sad that Paul is not here beside me, but it is really okay. Yes, I do miss him, but it is really okay." I felt that the sadness about him not sitting beside me and the feeling of contentment in the situation as it was (me being there on my own listening to an inspiring talk) were present simultaneously.
Monday was a normal day with housework in the morning and work in the afternoon. And I really felt good in myself.
Yesterday was my birthday. When I got up in the morning, I felt really energetic and I thought to myself: I want to be well on my birthday. I want to have fun. I want to do something good for myself. And what I did was I booked a massage for myself for the afternoon. So I spent the morning at home making smoothies with my new smoothy maker and doing some meditation and in the afternoon I went into town to have a massage and to meet my friend Margaret afterwards for a lovely walk in the park and dinner in one of the better restaurants in Dublin. I came home late and spoke on the phone to my parents for a while.
Today I was thinking a lot about the experience of the last couple of days and particularly yesterday. I wanted to feel well and enjoy the day. But mnot only because it was my birthday. In general, I feel that my cest for life is coming back, and I want it to come back. Standing under the shower in the morning and thinking "I am really looking forward to the day" or "I am really grateful for the lovely people in my life" or "I am grateful for the lovely sunshine" is what I want to feel. I don't want to wake up every morning thinking "All this would be nice if only Paul was here" - because Paul is not here. I think I have come to realise that it is my choice whether I live my life thinking only of what I have lost or whether I live my life in the moment knowing what I have lost but moving forward in the deep knowing that this is what Paul would want. And, instead of always thinking how sad it is that he is no longer here, to think of how greateful I am that we had so many good years together.
Of course this may change at some point. Feelings are fluid. I could be sitting here next week sharing with you how terribly sad I am. But now that I have experienced this shift - and now that I know that what I want to feel and how I want to look at it really depends on me - I am not sure if I ever will.
When I think back through my life, there have been things and situations before where there was deep sadness, deep despair and a feeling of "I don't want to carry on". But I always have. And what has kept me going is the cest for life, this longing for life, the ability to see the beautiy in life as it is, including the many sorrows. Paul won't come back, as will none of your loved ones, but we are still here. I feel we need to live our lives without feeling guilty or bad for doing so while they can no longer do so.We still have life left to live.
I know that Paul would be proud of me looking at it like that tonight. And I feel good in myself feeling this way. I don't know what the next ten minutes or tonight or tomorrow brings, let alone next week or next month or next year, but I know that it is worth experiencing.
Love, Mel.
