Time is healing me and I don't want it to

Hi Ruth. 

I'm sorry you lost your husband, sorry you need to be here with everyone else.

Your husband sounds quite amazing with such words of positivity. I wonder if he just wanted you to not feel bad about feeling good and carrying on once he couldn't be here with you anymore? I can't imagine he would ever have wanted you feeling distressed. his words sound so comforting, but I do completely understand how you feel you must now live up to them.

It's been 6 months since I lost my husband and I can't believe that much time has already passed. When I first turned to this community in the days after He first died, there were posts from people 6 months down the line and it sounded like such a long time.

I feel ok and in control a lot of the time but it's because I don't think the reality has hit me yet. My brain seems to be preventing me from fully understanding what has happened and that A is really gone and won't be back. I just can't get there with it. So when the reality does hit me, as it does for a second at a time, the distress and pain are so hard, but my brain switches it off and pushes away the pain as quickly as it started. but I want to feel it because I don't understand why I'm functioning and carrying on so easily. We had so little time to take in what was happening and A died within weeks of his diagnosis and he went downhill so rapidly and we only ever got bad news - I think there was just too much to deal with and my brain has shut itself down. I can't think of any other explanation.

 So although our journey's are different, I understand the need to feel that pain and distress as it's the connection to the people we have loved and still love. And for me, when I don't feel the pain and I get on with bringing our son to school and do all the other normal everyday things, it makes me feel like I am some sort of monster or a robot because I can't seem to properly let in the pain. and the pain is what makes me realise that it did really happen and that A really isn't here. 

Im rambling and I can't quite seem to say what I'm trying to say. I understand how you are feeling. When you feel bad, you want the pain to stop, and when you feel ok, you don't understand how you can feel so normal and you need the pain back. 

He will always be with you in your heart regardless of how 'over' him you may be feeling. All that life lived and memories made will always be there.

xo

Ruth ..I know exactly how you feel.. I lost my husband John on the 9th February 2017.after been married nearly 39 years last year would have been our ruby wedding anniversary.. By the way he passed away with lung cancer of which he was diagnosed 2 years before his passing ..Up until recently i had things like birthday s and anniversary s to think about but 2 years down the line i feel that all these are disappearing and I don't want them too.. I now feel that we should have talked about what we both wanted when he.d gone as in the end he went into hospital on the 4th February and passed away on the 9th February which neither of us expected we was only taking about going away for a couple of days a few days before..Although I'm no where near thinking about another relationship and don't no if I will ever .. But it was something we never spoke about how some people say they had spoken and there husband had said get on with your life and enjoy it.. Because of this I feel I would be unfaithful if I even considered  a relationship. I say to my daughter i wish me and your dad had spoken what he wanted for me and she says he would want  you to be happy.. There was 16 years age difference  so I'm still only 63. I do know exactly where your coming from but it's hard to put into words to others that things bit by bit disappear. and it scares you as you don't want to forget.. Sue..

Hello

Our minds and bodies are wonderful at protecting us aren't they?  I do wonder whether I has really sunk in with me yet?  I think it has, but who knows.  It sounds very much to me like you have an acute case of "sensory overload".  Too much tragedy, too soon. As you say, you probably went into shut down mode.

I'm so sorry to read about A and now quickly he died after diagnosis.  Every time I come onto this forum I realise how lucky we were.  Steve was given an 8% survival rate to 5 years.  He made 16 months.  That doesn't sound long (and it wasn't).  In that 16 months he endured 3 major operations, 18 weeks of chemotherapy, countless hospital visits.  Not once did he complain, he just got on with it.  When we were told in Sept 2018 that it was back (I don't think it had ever gone), Steve set about getting everything sorted out for me.  Everything was put in my name.  He organised a memorial party - he didn't want a funeral, so we didn't have one.  The only things I had to do was register his death, sign up to the "tell us once" website and contact the land registry to put our house in my sole name.  He even booked a holiday to St Lucia for me (I go next week) as a Christmas present because he knew he wouldn't be around (my Mum gave it to me) and because he knew I wouldn't want to be in the country for our 31st Wedding Anniversary on 28th May.  How did I not know how lucky I was until it was too late?  

When I compare that to some stories I read about people literally left penniless, homeless, jobless with children, with no idea how to cope I thank my lucky stars for my beloved and his amazing strength.

There is a form of mourning called Anticipatory Grief.  I think I have had that.  Not one day has gone by since August 2017 when I haven't cried.  Sometimes in front of Steve, sometimes a few tears by myself.  Sometimes a complete and utter meltdown.  I think this has helped me get to where I am today.

I know Steve will always be with me, I know I will never stop loving him, missing him or grieving for him.  But I also know that life goes on.  However hard it is to contemplate and however hard it is to get through each day, the sun comes up every morning and to give up and give in would be to throw life away.  Steve (and I'm sure A too) SO wanted to live and to grow old with me (and you) that I have to honour his wishes and try to make him proud of me.  That's what I do each day...... I try to honour his faith in me.

Sorry, a bit of a novella as a response, but I'm sure you know what I mean.

Please take care of yourself and thank you for your support

xxxx

Hi Sue

I feel for you, I really do, and I'm so sorry to read about John.  39 years is a long time, what a shame you missed your Ruby anniversary.

I feel very grateful for so many things, not least having Steve in my life for 33 years.  I am also incredibly grateful that, if Steve had to die, he died relatively quickly after the "terminal" diagnosis..... just 2.5 months.  He died at home, holding my hand and he was pain free.  It had been 16 months of God awful treatment and procedures and his poor body had had enough.  As had he.  I worry that he "gave up" because he thought it would be easier for me.  I remember saying to him "this is your cancer, your body, your death, we'll do it your way.  When you have had enough, then that's when we'll stop".  I gave him permission to give up.... very selfishly I sometimes wish I hadn't.  I wonder if he'd fought harder he'd still be here.  I don't in all honesty thing he would be.  If anything he would have had 2-3 days longer but he would have been so weak and poorly, so what would have been the point?  But these things worry you don't they?

I have wondered whether I will ever want to venture into the dating world again.  At the moment it's way too soon for me, but I have had a couple of invites (which I've refused).  For me, and this is very personal, I worry about "settling".  Steve and I were a team.  We didn't have children and lived for each other.  I was his number one consideration and he was mine.  He read me like a book.  We finished each others sentences and, 33 years on, we still got butterflies at the end of the working day when we were going to see each other again.  That kind of love doesn't come round twice in a life time.  Having had such a wonderfully happy relationship, how could I possibly settle for anything less.  And why should I? And, just as importantly, why should the poor blighter I'd be dating?  No.... for me I would like to think that I will enjoy male company again, but for companionship, friendship and perhaps a little romance.  Everything else is off limits......that's how I feel at the moment,

That said, I don't think you should view dating as being unfaithful (I wouldn't/don't)  I think you should look at it perhaps along the lines of having had a loving relationship with John, you know you have so much more to give and it would be wonderful to meet something like minded.  It doesn't have to lead anywhere, but we all need company.

There's a really great website called "whats your grief".  It's a really brilliant forum for all sorts of advice.  Check it out.  it has a wonderful section on "continuing bonds"..... ways of keeping thing goes long after the death of a loved one, there are some lovely ideas.  Perhaps you can find something to help you celebrate and commemorate your special days.

Take care and thank you for your support

xx

Dear Ruth,

First of all, I would like to say how sorry I am for your loss and how glad I am that you have come to this forum as here you have found people who really understand what you are going through and you can share with and talk to other people in your situation.

I think what I have learned on my personal journey with grieving is that we are all different. For some of us our loved ones are still so present in every minute of every day that we could not ever be afraid that the memories and the bond are fading. For others it is as you describe and they are acutely aware that as time moves on - as it inevitably does - they also move further away from their loved one. I think it is something that is different for everyone.

I don't think that you will ever lose the connection to your one true love. But you are becoming aware now I think that there is this life that goes on and on despite the fact that the one person who was most important to you is no longer with you.

Be kind to yourself and feel what you are feeling with a hand on your heart and a lot of acceptance and kindness. And in your heart you will find your love...

Hugs, Mel.

Hi MoonDog.

All I can say to you is that it was similar for me; the first two months or maybe even close to three months weren't too bad because I felt that the reality could not really reach me yet, it was like I knew what had happened but each time when the pain came in for a second my brain made sure that I wouldn't feel too much of it too soon. And I think that is a great mechanism of our psyche to survive really awful and traumatic experiences. So, you are neither a robot nor a monster, but this is the only way your soul knows how to get you through this pain.

Love, Mel.

 Hello Mel 

 Thank you for your wonderfully comforting and reassuring words.  I think you are right – I only have to look into my heart to reconnect with Steve.  He was my first and only love that will never change because we can’t change history. He is always in my thoughts, my actions and he will always be with me  as Paul will always be with you 

 I see from your profile that you lost your hearts keeper a year ago. Whether you have just had or are coming up to that anniversary I am sending you lots of love  and strength. 

 Take care my dear 

Xx

Thank you Ruth, and please keep posting.

Love, Mel.

Hi Ruth,

It is so wonderful that you and your husband had so much opportunity - and the courage - to arrange things for when he would be gone. Paul and I tried to do the same but couldn't really do it partly because we weren't willing to face the sad and heart-breaking reality. I remember we wrote down things that I would have to sort out and the numbers I would have to ring - for example, to cancel his pension - but then he started playing on his iPad and I started crying and then we left it there and never took up the list again. And by the time he was in hospital and we knew that he wouldn't have long, he was too disoriented and too confused to be doing such things, even though at that point I think I would have been able to do it because I had begun to accept that this was what was going to happen. I wish we had been able to really speak about everything openly. It would have been so nice for both of us I think.

Your husband sounds really amazing. And I wish you a wonderful trip. :-)

Love, Mel.

 Hi Melanie 

 By nature, and career (I am a project manager) I am a very organised person. Over 33 years I think  some of it rubbed off on Steve, that said he was also very organised – he was an analytical chemist.   Getting everything sorted was, in some ways, our way of sticking our head in the sand. If we were sorting out pensions and bank accounts and car insurance – you name it – we weren’t having to face into the horrifically inevitable. 

 I think this trip is going to be incredibly hard not least because it is the first time I will have left the country without him. 

 Please take care of yourself