Feeling Slightly Panicked

Hello Mel,

I just wanted to say I recognised the feelings you describe very clearly. It's the groundlessness which still creeps up on me every so often, after losing my husband over 18 months ago. I also try to think of things to be grateful for every day. I don't want to think too far ahead as I still cannot imagine a future without him. Birthdays are difficult anyway and I am so sorry yours has even sadder associations now. 

I have not posted before but thank you and all the other people who post on this site. It's some comfort to know we are not alone.

Love to all,

Di

Hi Mel

Can I add, Me too.

So panicked and frightened, sometimes it makes me physically sick.

But like you I try to not look too far ahead and take joy when I can in the little things.

The 1st Anniversary is a hard one to get through, the realisation that it really has been a whole year. You must also be proud that you have survived and Paul would be too.

Your birthday is really going to be a sad one. Do you feel like you want to make plans to be busy or alone. You really must do what you feel is right.

You know we all understand and are here to listen 

Hi Mel

Im the same.. it’s like a feeling of falling- when I just do & don’t let myself think or feel I’m keeping it at bay & I guess coping with it, but if I take my eye off the ball & let my guard down I feel so vulnerable. It’s this feeling of, is this really forever?? 

As you know I’m a similar timescale to you & I’m thinking of you because I know how much I’m reliving this time last year, I’m guessing you’re the same.  I cannot fully comprehend that a whole year has almost passed & I still struggle so much with what the kids & I have missed out on without my husband , but more than that, how much he’s missed out on- it still makes me so angry for him, on his behalf. I don’t know if that’s ever going to change.

i don’t know how you plan to spend that 1st anniversary, I keep thinking about what to do on mine, whether to try & ride it out or just cave in. It’s difficult as it will be half term so my children will be off school & the day of his passing is also our wedding anniversary... 

anyway, know that you are def not alone in how you feel. You have come so far & it’s a hard journey to have to make. I hope  your day has got a little brighter as it’s gone on. 

Sarah xx

Dear Mel Sarah and others on this thread. 

I agree still if I think to far or head off to think of things to sort, matters to attend to. Please look to your own solid and caring advice. Be very kind to yourself you deserve a special treat. But  you must go with the day as you would want and your husband would feel he would want for you.

Many best wishes thinking of you xxx

Hi Sarah and all,

Yes, Sarah, I have been thinking of you too because we are a similar time scale.

Yes, I, too, relive last May's events. I can remember every single day and what we did and how we felt. And I have a feeling that these feelings will become worse over the next couple of days.

I felt okay the day before yesterday as the day went on. Yesterday morning, Jacqui picked me up and brought me to the dentist. I had a wisdom tooth taken out. She stayed with me and brought me back with her to her place afterwards where we spent the day and evening and I stayed overnight with her. She brought me home about one hour ago. All the time I was with her, I was feeling really sad; as much as I like being with Jacqui, it also is difficult because it always reminds me of the moment we shared when Paul passed away, so just being with her constantly brings back memories, and yet I love being with her because she is my closest link to Paul.

I feel so empty inside. And so sad. The tooth is not too bad at least.

As for planning how to spend the first anniversary, I honestly don't know what to do. Until this morning, I had hoped that perhaps Jacqui and I would be able to get together in the evening for an hour or so. But this morning, she told me that a friend had asked her if she would have time that night and for some reason, and instead of asking me how I was going to spend the night, she had agreed to meeting her. I am debating with myself whether I should find this hurtful or not. But I think in a way I do because she could have at least asked me what I was planning to do that evening, just the thought would have been nice, and she said to me that she had thought about it and whether she and I should spend it together and yet she didn't asked me if I would want that. Well, anyhow, she will not be around. So I think what I will do is work all day as much as possible and then have a quiet evening at home. I am dreading it. But it wouldn't feel right to spend it with anyone but Jacqui, and she has made herself unavailable.

The anniversary, which is also your wedding anniversary, is going to be difficult for you I think. All you can really do is wait and see what it will feel like I guess.

Love and hugs

Mel.

Hi Elendia,

Thank you for your message and I am sorry that you too are feeling this way but it also helps me to think that all this, as difficult as it is, is absolutely normal.

Love and hugs

Mel.

Hi Ruby Diamond,

Thank you for posting on this thread.

Yes, it is a very difficult time. Of course this time is not really different from any other time of the year. But I think the difference is that we really become aware of how long the other person has not been with us. As you say: a whole year! How did that happen? How did we get through it? And what did we do all this time that made us go on and continue with our life despite it all when all feels so raw and horrible now?

As for my birthday, I don't even want to think about that. I don't think I will do anything. Maybe just pretend that it is a normal day that needs to be gone and lived through. I think if I highlight it in any way I will only think all the time that this was actually the day when Paul's funeral took place.

Love and hugs

Mel.

Hi Wife0f26years likes this,

Thank you for the post and the reminder. At the moment I don't even seem to feel to have the strength to be kind to myself. I think I can do that as long as I am feeling kind of okay, but as soon as things overwhelm me I can't really do it or don't want to do it and don't really know what to do with myself.

Love, Mel.

I know what you mean even small decisions seem overwhelming. I'm sorry you are feeling this way I think these milestones are so hard and just knock the wind out of you. If all you do is curl u with films or music or do your meditation that's enough. We forget what all the loss and grief  has taken out of our minds and bodies. Sending love and best wishes xxx