I feel so empty

I didn’t mention the memory loss!! (What am I like?! ) 

bet a few of you can relate to that too!! 

Sarah xx

Have been feeling down this week life can seem so pointless without the one you love. Like alot of you l have no attention span &sorting out finances & the like takes forever as l keep leaving it & forgetfulness is awful .lt is ten months now but the sadness is still as bad just would like to see a light at the end of this dark tunnel.

So sorry your having a bad week,but that is understandable,I’m coming up to eight months now,but this has been a really bad week,I think this must be the way it is.,it’s hard when you have always be a couple and shared decisions and done things together. like yourself I  struggled with the paperwork and finances as my husband always handled that,Iwas quite happy to let him do it,really wish I d been more involved.I really hope the days get better for you and you get to the light at the end., I’m trying to make myself do one task a day,I’m going to town today on my own,how long i stay for don’t know. Sending you a virtual hug and hope today is easier for you.     Val x

I was in the same boat with paperwork and finances. Hope your  trip to town was successful little steps and a bit at a time. 

Hope you are managing and if not there's  up and down days times and moments. Take care of yourselves xxx

I have found counselling helpful. I have few to talk to and few who would be able to cope with my breaking down in sobs but the counseller is empathetic and helps to 'frame' (I think that's what they call it) some of the feelings one is going through. No-one can take them away though. 

Forgetfulness? A couple of months ago, I locked up my car in the next street (can never park by my own house in the evenings) and walked back home, distracted as usual by all the thoughts that grief keeps on constant replay and can become overwhelming at times.

Got to front door. Went in house. Looked in pocket for car keys. Not there. Checked key hook in case had hung them there absentmindedly. I hadn't. 

Cue massive anxiety attack. Must have dropped keys. What if car is stolen? Will not be able to get to work. Cannot afford new car. Insurance does not cover theft.

Walked back to car with torch looking on pavement and in road for keys. Not there. Not under car either. 

Went back to house. Got spare keys. Rang kindly neighbour and asked if I could park car in front of his drive whilst searching for keys in case passer-by saw me drop them, picked them up and is lying in wait to make off with ancient Nissan Micra.

Parked car in front of neighbour's house. Neighbour went back with me to my house. Tipped out my bag, tipped out rubbish bin. No sign. Another torch-lit mission retracing steps, this time with neighbour. Forensic examination of flower bed next to front door step. Still no sign. 

Back to house. Neighbour advised ringing insurer for advice. On phone when someone knocked the door. Opened door to find someone I barely recognised from church standing there looking very sympathetic. In frenzy, explained had a crisis and shut door in her face. 

Insurer advised calling locksmith and they would pay nominal amount towards getting new keys. Very expensive apparently.

Panic on verge of turning to crushed acceptance of bad situation. But why didn't I hear the keys drop?  Checked key hook again. Not there but...what's that, glinting on the coat hook next to the key hook, almost hidden by parka hood? Car keys! 

Well, I can smile about that now but at the time it was terrible. And I still lose my keys (car and house), my purse, my head on a regular basis. C'est la vie. This new, dreadful life.