I feel so empty

Hi Sandypops,

I lost my favourite person 3 months ago - so still very raw.

On sorting things out - I have a sort of 5 minute rule - I can cope for about 5 mins then I stop - so it is sort of, close my eyes get stuff done, then stop - the silly little thing I do, is kiss things that were hers when I pick them up and move them - does it work? Probably not, but it does allow me to do things.

Yep, I have chats like that, what would I say to a counsellor if I met one - I find it helps actually - so no, you are not losing it - you are dealing with something that is so awful that unless you have been through it, you have no idea how bad it is.

Be kind to yourself - I do use that thought - so if something comes on TV that I want to watch - I watch it and enjoy it - if I feel like eating a mars bar, yep - I do it.... and so on... finding little pleasures wherever and whenever you can.

Much love to you, so sorry you lost John and have spent too much of your life as a carer

Hi, so sorry for your loss,It will be eight months on the 5th May for my husband Alan,I lost him three weeks after been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer,I’ve cried every day since,any little thing that goes wrong has me crying,just walking past his picture on the wall,or like yourself things with his name on.I keep promising myself I will make a appointment to speak to someone and I keep thinking about what I will say but then I don’t go because I know I will just break down and sob.So you are not losing it as you put it,last year was a really bad year I lost two relatives then My wonderful husband,Each day just comes and go ,I am trying to get out and do things but so hard when used to been a couple,just feel so alone.sorry if I’m waffling on,

Thank you for your kind words Val. I don't go because it's unlikely that the person I would be speaking to would have been through this and I am sick of all the platitudes. No amount of training can make you understand this, you have to experience it. His family can make jokes about things he did in the past and listen to copies of his playlist from his mobile (my son made them as a tribute to his dad). I can't even watch tv programs we used to watch together. People say remember the good times but in the last eight years of his life he had a hip, knee and ankle replacement and prostate problems which resulted in a permanent catheter and many infections as a result.  He suffered so much and I was powerless to help him.  From diagnosis to passing was six weeks.  I miss him with every breath I take. We were married 36 years on 18th September and he passed on 28th September last year.  They say this is a journey we are on but journeys end and this will never end for me.

Sorry Val if I am depressing you. I am sure you feel the same way.  It's such a horrible feeling isn't it.

I send you a virtual hug and hope tomorrow will be better.

Sandra

Hi Sussex thank you for your reply.  I kiss things too.  I have trouble looking at photos most of the time but sometimes I just have to see his face again. He went through so much but never complained.  As for the looking after people, I never saw myself as a "carer" I wanted to help because I loved them.  As for the chocolate etc. I've been doing too much of that (I have type 2 diabetes) and when I used to be asked how much do you drink I would honestly say about two bottles of wine over a year.  Now it's more like two a week.  Also not good even though it's only 9 percent volume.  I will try to behave but I spend so much time alone sometimes I just give in and buy a bottle and a cheesecake.   

The other strange thing is that I worked full time for over thirty years and then we had a hotfoil printing business for 28 years but now I can't sit down and make a phone call or write a letter. I'm told that will come back.  I hope so because I feel about 10 years old just now (lol)

Hope you are having a not so bad day Sussex. Virtual hugs

Sandra

Hi Sandypops

we have a lot in common with our situation,,my lovely hubby had an underlying neurological condition,CIDP,from 2011 which was under control.He too was diagnosed with an aggressive prostate cancer,first week October 2018 and died  19th Jan 19.We would have been married 40 years on 12/5.I never thought of myself as a carer ,I just looked after him ,until he was so ill with the cancer as his original condition impacted on his recovery,he had to have a colostomy, nephrostomy and bladder catheter.

His GP called him stoic, and he was he accepted all the humiliating invasive treatment he had, he was so brave.

Dont bother about drinking wine I am way ahead of you in the area , lol .I don’t want counselling but need to reach to people going through the same situation. I had great hopes for  “bereavement  cafe”at a local hospice. No not for me ,they had been bereaved years and were just there for the tea and biscuits!.please don’t feel I am being judgemental as grief has no end date,but I wanted to connect with people who are as raw as we are

Sending best Wishes 

Maddy

Hi everyone in this thread,

I don't think that anyone here is losing it or doing things that are "not normal". We are all on the same journey - a journey that we never wanted to be on and a journey for which we cannot prepare no matter how long we knew that this was going to be our journey one day because it is so different from anything we thought it could possibly be - and we have to try and cope with it and make adjustments in our new life as best we can. And personally I like the description of grief as a journey because no matter what we think this is, it is a journey from the point where we lost our loved one through all the pain, despair, hopelessness, anger and whatever else we may feel to a point where it will all feel a little easier and a little lighter; and nobody knows when this point will come for them. Some of us need to be on our own a lot to process it all. Others may need to work a lot more than before or socialise a lot so that they are not feeling so alone. Some people are able to sleep well and a lot and others find themselves struggling with insomnia or very broken sleep. Some of us find counselling helpful and want to talk a lot to other people and others feel they don'rt want to or can't do that at all. Some of us use comfort eating or drinking a glass or two more than they used to in order to get through. My hope would be that all of us know what we are doing and are wise enough to do all the things we are doing with a good bit of self-critical thinking so that, for example, we don't over-eat too much or don't stop eating or drink too much or whatever it is, but I think we are all on a good path and know what we are doing and are self-aware. What I am trying to say is: I think that "being kind to ourselves" means to accept that this is our individual journey which has its ups and downs, sometimes very up and sometimes very down, and that there is a lot in between.

When I look at myself, I can see that, at first, I wanted to talk about Paul and us and particularly the experience of the last weeks and days all the time, so much so that two friends actually had to make me aware that I was going down a path where I would hardly listen to others so consumed was I with my own story. And then, in recent months, I have found myself talking less and often with the need to just stay quiet and with myself. Tonight is such a night. A friend wanted me to call her but I had to tell her that I can't do it tonight, I wouldn't have the strength to listen to her and I wouldn't have the strength to talk or wouldn't know what to tell her. It's the same with food: In the beginning, I found eating almost impossible, every meal I had to force down, cooking was extremely hard, but nowadays I cook for myself and I quite like it, although I still don't like to eat by myself I have come to accept that this is what I have to do now most days and that I have to get on with it. Alcohol is another topic: I used to drink very little, but now I can go through one and sometimes even two bottles of wine in one week, and I am a little careful now that it doesn't get any more than that. So I can see when I write all this down how things are changing, which is why I am calling this a journey.

I love caring for others and looking after other people and I feel sometimes that life is very pointless now that I don't have anyone who "needs me" in it. But then I have come to acc3ept that too. At the moment there is nobody there and that's okay too.

So I am hoping that all of you this evening are kind to themselves and that you have had at least some moments today where you felt okay or even good.

Love, Mel.

Hi Maddy thank you for replying to my ramblings.  Re the prostate thing.  John was referred because they said he had an enlarged prostate.  After the operation they said he had a small prostate and they made slits in the neck of his bladder.  He was supposed to have the catheter changed every six weeks but it was never done on time which caused him to have infections.  Just before his diagnosis he had tests (camera) and they said there was nothing sinister. Our GP was useless during those four years but John wouldn't push anything. I know if I had forced him we would have rowed.  Sometimes I am so far down I can't cry. At others the slightest thing will set me off. It really is a roller coaster.

Hoping tomorrow has more ups than downs for all of us.

Best wishes

Sandra

Hi Maddy thank you for replying to my ramblings.  Re the prostate thing.  John was referred because they said he had an enlarged prostate.  After the operation they said he had a small prostate and they made slits in the neck of his bladder.  He was supposed to have the catheter changed every six weeks but it was never done on time which caused him to have infections.  Just before his diagnosis he had tests (camera) and they said there was nothing sinister. Our GP was useless during those four years but John wouldn't push anything. I know if I had forced him we would have rowed.  Sometimes I am so far down I can't cry. At others the slightest thing will set me off. It really is a roller coaster.

Hoping tomorrow has more ups than downs for all of us.

Best wishes

Sandra

Hi everyone 

I think each of us will respond differently on this journey & yet there are similarities we all seem to share too- I can relate to all the comments to some degree or another. It’s hard when we have no yardstick to measure how we are doing by & because we are all different & at different stages it’s hard to gauge how far we have got down this road.. may be that’s just as well, let’s face it, some days are better than others. 

I for one, wasn’t prepared for how tiring all this grieving is! As I approach the one year anniversary I’m back to counting all the “this time last year moments”, I had managed to push them to the back of my mind a little until recently.During the day I can be busy, night times & sleep vary & I accept that.

But by the evenings I just feel exhausted! I often think about joining a exercise class like I used to but I can honestly say at the moment I haven’t got the energy- it’s not will power, it’s energy. By 9pm I’m done in! Think sometimes we need to remind ourselves of how far we’ve actually come- firsts to cope with, some of us working more, trying to be 2 parents (or grandparents), getting to grips with things at home we haven’t done before, the list goes on...

As Mel says, we are on a journey we didn’t want to be on & yet we are doing the very best we can, maybe we all need to give ourselves a break

with big hugs to you all 

Sarah xx

Thank you Mel.  I have found some comfort in a stuffed rabbit toy that my daughter gave me at Easter.  I cuddle it, talk to it too, weird for someone 68 years old eh. I talk to the cat too but the rabbit doesn't demand anything from me lol.  I do make sure I eat even if I don't want to. Some days it's like walking through quicksand.  

Hugs

Sandra