One Year On

FormerMember over 6 years ago

6 replies
22 subscribers
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Hello everyone

Well it is just over 12 months since I lost John. I haven’t been on this site for some time as I found that I only tended to log on when I was feeling huge despair and loss - and reading such sad accounts of the grief of others wasn’t helping me to cope better.

i find myself here today because I was asked a question by someone from another group so I thought I would share elements of the last 12 months with you all

First of all, there are lots of positive days now. However I work hard at it. I try and do something every day to get out of the house. I walk my dog, I make the effort to see friends regularly and I volunteer for a Charity every week. I have had quite a few holidays / trips in the past year and I have made a couple of new friends. In the past we would have tended not to keep in touch with folk after a holiday. Now I do.

John used to do all the cooking - he was a brilliant cook. I am improving and quite enjoying it. After his death I thought that I wouldn’t bother with cooking however I cook for myself every day.

Certain things have confounded me. I have panicked when the warning light has come on in the car, I had never put air in the tyres, I rarely put petrol in the car, I can’t reach the light bulbs to change them, I didn’t how to bleed a radiator and I am not in control of the garden . The extent of my loss at those times can be overwhelming as I always relied on John to come to the rescue. However I have learned how to do most things ( thank goodness for the internet) and for those things I can’t do I have got someone in to do it. I have a gardener now..

Of course there are times when my grief overwhelms me. I have a little cry most days. The days just before the anniversary of his death were tough. Birthdays were tough as well...however Christmas was ok as I went to family and was in a new environment.

I have got through the first 12 months which is a relief. I have things to look forward to as well. I am closer than ever to my children ...who are dealing with their grief in their own ways. I have a few trips booked and I am proactively arranging to catch up with friends.

i would give anything to have John back...I talk to him all the time. However that isn’t going to happen so I know I just have to crack on. I know the grief will hit me in a wave when I least expect it , but I also know that I am coping so far.

Best of luck to everyone going through this grief rollercoaster. It’s a ride none of us asked for or wanted .

xxx

Leonie

FormerMember over 6 years ago

Hi Leonie

Thankyou for sharing this as you say if you could have them back...

I'm glad you are finding things that you can enjoy and help with those things that you feel less able at the moment may be. My husband did a lot for us too, and frustrations sometimes get the better of me.

Much appreciated xxx

Novembergirl over 6 years ago

Thanks for this helpful and hopeful post :-) Nearly two years on, I'm also feeling a lot more human, largely because I've found new things to do and new friends to do them with. I feel the loss of my husband all the time, but alongside that is a sense of hope and at times, even excitement at what could lie ahead. I could not have believed this was possible, but here I am genuinely able to say when people ask me that I am feeling a lot better. I haven't abandoned my old friends, but I have also made new ones and changed the things that I do. Otherwise it would feel like I'm living my old life with a huge hole in it, which I don't think I could do. I am about to downsize to a nearby (larger) town which is part of the plan. This is only my experience of course and it might not work for everyone.

FormerMember over 6 years ago in reply to Novembergirl

It is good to hear about your experiences Novembergirl...you have given me great heart for the year ahead.

i met an old friend today who has just lost his wife of 60 years. His anguish and loss was so raw...it took me back 12 months and made me realise that I am coping much better than I could have imagined then.

As you say we are all different , but it is good to hear about things that help people to move forward and make the best of things if they can.

leonie x

FormerMember over 6 years ago

hi Leonie like you it has been awhile since I wrote anything. In 3 weeks time it will be a year since I lost my husband of 35 years. I was away for a weekend last month but I still feel guilty doing things when my husband is not with me. I read your letter and it has given me some hope that maybe I too will start to cope better and be able to do more things. It is a rollarcoaster and I never did like rollarcoasters but this one will go on for a long time but hopefully in the future the ride wont seem too bumpy all the time.

Mary

MelanieL over 6 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Hi Leonie and Mary and everyone else,

It was so encouraging to read your post, Leonie, because it shows that, over time, we begin to cope better. As you all know, I have had times in the past eleven and a half months since Paul died when I felt that nothing would ever make me feel good again or at least kind of okay, and then there have been times as well when I felt quite hopeful and certain that, one day, I would be able to feel better again. I still have days when I miss Paul more than on others and when the grief comes out of the blue and it is very difficult to cope. But most days now I am feeling okay and able to cope and, more and more, able to enjoy things as well. It is really an interesting journey.

Love, Mel.

I don't like the term "moving on" because it sounds to me like we are leaving our loved ones and the life we had with them behind. I like the term "moving forward" as it implies that, while life goes on, our loved ones are still with us in our hearts and minds.

MelanieL over 6 years ago

Hi Leonie,

On 15th May it will be twelve months for me. And I can relate to everything you say in your message; in fact, I could have written it myself. I will post about my own first twelve months when the time actually comes. But just to say that I really liked your post. It shows that we can go on. We really do.

Love, Mel.

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