Very recent bereavement

Hi Sarah

I'm so sorry you have found yourself here. 

The loss of a partner, especially one so young is devastating. You have been through so much trauma and seen so much you must still be in shock.

I wonder if you would be better asking for time off work or a Doctor's note so you can have some time to process everything.  I hope you have support, even if you feel like being alone it's nice to know someone is there.

This site is great for that. We all know how you are feeling and can share things that we maybe wouldn't tell our loved ones. I honestly feel unless you have lost a partner you really can not comprehend our grief.

My husband was 47 when he passed and we only had a short but horrendous 3 months after diagnosis. We also moved into the hospice for 6 weeks. It felt normal, there was no where else we could have been. Then he was gone and we have to re build a life. I try not to think about a future.

But Rob passed 31 March 2018 and here we are, a year and abit later. We have had lots of 1st, birthdays and Christmas then the Anniversary of his passing and burial date. I am so proud of us. We no longer cry everytime we speak of him and the happy memories are returning. 

Please be kind to yourself,  and keep posting.

Oh Sarah how hard for you and I really feel  Ruby Diamond could be right about the doctors help. Obviously we don't know your circumstances  and financial arrangements which is your call. You need to only do essentials take time to let yourself recover from the physical and emotional trauma plus it all happened so quickly. 

Dear Ruby Diamond I'm glad you feel proud of yourself and family and happy memories  are returning. I've yet to do all the anniversaries. Take it bit by bit I'm signed off  now initially  I went back to work but the physical and emotional  trauma effected me too much I just needed time as doctor said rest and 're gain your strength. 

It's a very individual  time scale and we can't compare to anyonelse. Take care xxx

Dear Sarah,

I am so very sorry for your loss. And I am glad you have decided to join this group, which is one no-one wants to join, but all of us feel that this group is very helpful and supportive and for many of us there have been times when we really needed the support of this forum. I hope you will feel well supported by this group.

It must have been so difficult to watch his decline. I remember when I watched the deterioration in my husband and it was so very painful to see him go from the healthy and happy, fun-loving and life-loving, strong and enthusiastic man he used to be to someone for whom every single day meant more suffering, more confusion, more pain.

Your partner was so young. How old are you? And do you have any children? Do you have a good relationship with his family and your own? And do you have people around you who can be there for you in these difficult times?

I know what you mean when you say that you seem to be putting up a front, like a barrier between you and others, and nothing and nobody can really reach you - and of course you probably don't want that because, if they did and if they saw your real pain and responded to it, than you would have to feel it yourself even more than you do - at least this is how I always felt at the start; it was better not to engage so that nobody would be able to trigger whatever pain I held inside. However, this is absolutely normal. We cannot feel it all at once, it would be too painful. We need time to process what has happened to us and, as you say, what we have seen and heard and witnessed.

Over time, you will be able to open up more and to be yourself again - a different self and yet still the same, just with different experiences.

Perhaps your hospice can offer some counselling? Some places do, and you may find it helpful to talk it all through with somebody. I went to a couple of counselling sessions at the hospital where my husband passed away and even though I felt quite awkward at the start and didn't know how to let go I eventually did and was able to release a lot of the traumatic experiences from the time I had cared for him at home and the time at the hospital just by talking about it.

I think it is good that you are back at work. Yes, it feels like you don't know what you are doing there and you would rather not be there, but then you probably don't know where else you want to be because the only thing you want is your partner back and the life with him you will now never have. I went back to work one month after my husband's death and sometimes work was the only thing that felt meaningful, the only thing that gave me a reason to get up in the morning because I knew that my patients were waiting for me.

Like you, I could never imagine a future without my husband, I dreaded it, and I really did not want to go on. But I did go on, day after day, and today, almost a year after his death, I am surprised to find that ,life is actually okay. It is not "great", not even "very good", perhaps not even "good", but it is "okay" and I can cope with the daily pain of my loss and sometimes even enjoy things again and laugh and feel happy . I am sure you will get to that point too but it will take time.

Try to be kind to yourself. Try to sleep and try to eat and drink plenty of water or nice relaxing herbal teas such as chamomile or melissa. Do what feels right vor you. Grief is a very personal process, each and everyone of us does it their own way. But you will find your way I am sure.

Love, Mel.

Thank you everyone for your replies and lovely words, it really is comforting that I am not alone and the things that you are all feeling is the same as I feel.

I am having regular check ups with the doctor and have just started counselling to see if that helps. I feel I have to continue with work as we had actually just bought our first house which I now have to take on full financial responsibility for when I move into it in June.

I have just turned 31 and very sadly we didn't get the chance to start the family we had planned so there are no children. Just our labrador who keeps me going. I have a really good support network of friends and family around me and I am very close with his parents which I know I am lucky to have. It doesn't stop you feeling lonely though does it.

It would have been his 34th birthday this Sunday which will be the first in a long line of difficult milestones I imagine. It is nice to know that maybe further down the line things will be less overwhelming and hopefully ok!

Thank you,

Sarah

No doubt Sunday will be a difficult day but, as you say, only one of many such difficult days - they say that the "firsts" are the most difficult ones.

We are quite similar in age. I will be 37 in May. My husband died on 15th May and my birthday is 21st May.

Love, Mel.