On 23 May my lovely husband and I went to hospital as he had massive pains in his back and belly. The paramedics thought it was peritonitis and my husband, Alf, thought it was the stenosis of the spine that he'd suffered with for years.
The doctor came in with bad news. It's not the stenosis .. it's cancer in your spine. "So we've caught it in time? he asked. She said no. And that was the start of our journey down this ghastly road, looking for anything positive to grasp on to. Chemo or radiotherapy ... I'm saying the words but don't know the first thing about them. I just thought it would give him more time.
There was a litany of mistakes ... ct scans not done for days after they were ordered, the oncology team didn't know he was in the hospital for 2 whole weeks - it took my son, who worked there, to go ask and from then on we got to see an oncology nurse and MacMillan nurse - and them not doing a CT scan of his head ready for the 'big meeting' they held for all such patients before being referred to oncology. (They ordered the 'urgent' CT scan by sending a message to the ward .... but they hadn't told oncology he'd been discharged the Friday before). They also forgot to send the details of the meeting out to others. The urgent scan was set for 2 weeks hence.
In the end, there was no need because on 1 July he died with me and our three wonderful, grown up children at his side. We'd camped out in the hospital room for a week. The nursing staff were amazing ... as were the doctors though I'd had to chase them for action. There just seemed no sense of urgency, even when they were still gathering information.
So now I'm without him. I'd loved him for 55 years, 46 of those in marriage, and I don't know how to come out of 'management' mode. In hospital and dealing with things I used my skills as a PA to get, and keep, things moving. It took me 4 days just to sort out his desk of the plethora pens, pencils and 'memorabilia' that I hugged to myself. I feel guilty that I'm making changes to his things. (just books and stationery in the study so far .... clothes as a step too far) guilty that I'm alive and he isn't and guilty that I am constantly working just to keep away from my thoughts.
As a Christian, along with my gut feeling, I believe he's happy now. Pain free and with those who loved him, and us, in the past. And I'm jealous that he's gone on this final adventure without me. But at the same time I know that this is me setting off to start part 3 of my life, the first and second being childhood and being a wife. It's 0405 hours and I'm lonely for him. And so horribly sad.
Writing this has been cathartic - thank you all for being there for me and everyone else. xx
Hi Oyster
I am so sorry to hear that you have lost your husband so unexpectedly and so quickly. I hope that you can take some comfort from you all being with him at the end and that now he is pain free.
It is still early days and I understand through family experiences how grief can go through many stages and come with many different feelings. If you feel like talking to someone would help then please do give the Support Line a call. There is someone there from 8am-8pm everyday.
I am glad that you have found writing it all down on here has been cathartic and please do let us know if there is anything that you need.
Jane
Ramble away- it can help just to write it all down and get those feelings out.
The local family run company do sound as if they are the best- glad that bit is sorted.
There is no right or wrong was to feel or act at these times. Just go with the flow, be with your family and we are here if you need us.
