Hello, My mum passed away Tuesday morning from small cell lung cancer she was only 59. She lived alone so me and my sister cared for her for 5 months. We slept at the hospice from Saturday right through until she passed. My brothers have done nothing to help, and I don't know whether to tell them how i feel, they've not even messaged to ask if we are OK. I have cried an awful lot the last 5 months, then after she passed I cried for a couple of days, but the last couple of days I haven't. I still miss her terribly, I just don't want her to think I don't care. I still can't believe she's not here. I just wish there was a way she could let us know she's OK and that she wasn't in any pain during the process.
Hi Life Sucks
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mum.
What you are feeling is perfectly normal and part of the grieving process. We all grieve at different speeds and different ways so never compare yourself to any one who is grieving differently. You can take great comfort from knowing that you and your sister spent the time with your mum and that would have made her passing more peaceful knowing you were there and she would know how much you loved her. Your brothers may be trying to be strong and not show any emotions but this may come back harder later on. You have your sister and can offer each other as much support as needed.
Your mum will always be around you to guide, support and comfort you. Talk to her where and when ever you want. You need to open your mind to see and hear any signs that your mum is near. This could be finding an unexpected white feather, radio / tv re tuning to her favourite, smelling her favourite perfume. If you visit one of her favourite places such as the local park, sit quietly and talk to her about what you see. Relax and wait for any possible sign such as a wild bird coming extremely close or a breath of wind on a perfectly still day. She will always find a way to let you know she is near and there to help you whereever you are. Remember never to bottle up your emotions regardless of time and place. You can always pop to the nearest toilet for a few minutes to let your emotions out.
A good way to express your feelings is writing. You can put down anything and everything you feel and then later destroy it - the act of writing will have helped your understanding. You could do this alone or with the family and some of your mums friends. You must include happy and sad stories, stories from your own childhoods, stories your mum told you of her shildhood and lots of photos. You must include any strategies you develop over time on how to cope with your grief. The pain will never leave but through these strategies it becomes easier to deal with triggers which may only happen rarely. Wait for your brothers to open up in their own time and don't force them. If they want to help with writing about your mum let them but don't hold back your emotions during the process - if you need to rant, rant; if you need to cry, cry.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
