My mum (62) was diagnosed with Stage 4 Hypopharyngeal cancer back in August of last year, she passed away a few weeks ago on Jan 10th.
She was due to have a total laryngectomy in early October but unfortunately, when a tracheostomy was put in place in September to help with her breathing due to the tumour growing so quickly, mum had 4 strokes. Whilst she made an amazing recovery from the strokes, she was ruled out for any kind of surgery. We then found out in December that she was being made palliative and wasn't eligible for any kind of treatment.
She moved into hospice care on Jan 9th and passed away peacefully the following morning - she'd spent the previous 4 months in hospital so we were all so thankful when she made it to the hospice. She was very weak, unable to talk/eat/drink and spent most of her time sleeping so my sister and I knew she didn't have long but we were very surprised at just how quick it was until she passed. The hospice had rung my sister and I in the morning to let us know to get there quickly as it was looking like mum's last morning but she had passed just 10 minutes later before we'd got there, it was very quick. There were people with her and I am SO thankful for that. The people who work in hospices are a special kind of people.
I like to think that she was happy to be at the hospice - she felt comfortable and able to properly rest and just let go. That's what I'm telling myself anyway, there's a lot of comfort in that! But despite the comfort, I'm finding I am beating myself up a little bit. Why didn't I stay with her that night? Why didn't I spent more time with her? Why didn't I head up first thing that morning to visit? The rational side of me knows that this is silly, but that's really tough.
The last 6 months have been an absolute blur. We'd also only lost our dad 18 months ago really suddenly - mum had only just got back on her feet when she got her diagnosis so this has all felt horribly cruel at times. But I'm hopeful that, over time, we'll heal and process this grief. But it's a lot!
Sending love to everyone else going through their own experiences of grief x
Hello fairybear1991
I am really sorry to hear about your Mum and I can understand how the last 6 months must have felt like a blur. I can understand that it must have felt hard with your Dad passing away previously.
I remember through my own bereavements how I had lots of different emotions as the time and lots of thoughts about what I could have done differently etc. I think at the time things can move quickly and naturally you can focus on the day to day things and then afterwards can be when the processing can start.
Talking things through and sharing with others helped me. Also trying to keep up with daily routines. I also found sometimes writing my feelings down helped. It took a while but once I accepted that it was ok to feel all sorts of emotions- anger, sadness, numbness and moments of normality - it did start to feel a bit easier. Sort of accept the feelings and work through them.
I found Cruse helpful. Home - Cruse Bereavement Support
There is also some Macmillan info here that may be of interest.
Coping with bereavement | Macmillan Cancer Support
We do have the Support Line if you feel like talking things through would help. They are there every day from 8am to 8pm.
I have experienced cancer both through bereavement and also my own cancer. What I can say for sure is that your Mum will have taken comfort from having you there for her and so she did not have to face it alone. I am so glad that your experiences with the hospice were so positive.
Once again, I am sorry that you have gone through this and we are here if you need us.
Jane
