Hi All,
My mum passed away 3 months ago after a 5 year battle with cancer. During that time she relied on me more and more and I was one of her main carers until she went in to a hospice a few weeks before she died.
I have no partner or children, my dad died in 2018 and I lost my cat a couple of years ago too. I only have a handful of work friends and don't tend to socialise outside of work either.
Whilst caring for mum, I also worked 45 hours p/w in an office job. It was extremely difficult at the time to hold down a job and look after mum and I thought I would be relieved once she was finally at peace and I no longer had exceptionally long days and would have time to myself but now I'm in this situation, I'm absolutely hating it.
I still have my full time job but the irony is that I'm more tired now than I've ever been. My empty house had become a safe haven at first but now it's a reminder every day when I come home, of how lonely I am.
There aren't many local activities available at times I can be there so trying new hobbies isn't really an option just now.
I know I'm still grieving but has anyone any advice on how to get out of this sudden darkness I now find myself in?
Many Thanks
J
Hi Scots_Jeni
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about all of your losses especially the most recent loss of your mum.
Everyone grieves in different ways and at different speeds. After all the caring for your mum and full time work it is normal to feel this huge emptiness. Remember though that you did everything you possibly could for your mum which is a great credit to you and this would have made her passing more peaceful. The reason you are more tired is because you have been used being busy 24/7 and now you aren't and your mind and body is trying to adjust.
Two things you could try which can be fitted into your schedule are walking and swimming. Despite being strenuous they can actually relieve tiredness and the exercise helps to get stress out of the system. You can do these at times that suit you and you can start off small and gradually build up strength and stamina.
Your mum will always be around you to guide, support and comfort you. Talk to her when and where ever you are and ask to show you a sign she is nearby. You have to open yourself up to recognise the signs and not just think they are tricks or coincidence. You may smeel her favourite perfume, radio / tv may change to her favourite, you may find something lying around that you thought lost. If you visit one of her favourite places such as the local park talk to her there. You may feel a breath of wind on a perfectly still day or a wild bird may come extremely close. Never hide your emotions as this can make things worse long term. Wherever you are, if you need to shed tears just do so even if you have to pop to the toilet for a short time - even in a busy supermarket. Does your workplace have an HR department where you could talk to someone? Do you have a best friend you can talk to? Strangers are often better than relatives as they will just listen till you get everything out of your system then just give you a silent hug.
When you are ready you could try writing your emotions down. What triggers these emotions and what did you do to help manage them. If you keep these writings you can look back and use the same methods again. The pain never goes but your brain will learn coping methods to help you deal with things easier. You could extend these writings by writing about your mum including stories from your childhood, stories she told you of her childhood, lots of photos, possible input from relatives and your mums friends. The stories must be both happy and sad to give true balance. You don't have to keep anywriting but the process will help you to get things out your system.
When I am gone, release me, let me go.
I have so many things to see and do,
You mustn’t tie yourself to me with too many tears,
But be thankful we had so many good years.
I gave you my love, and you can only guess
How much you’ve given me in happiness
I thank you for the love that you have shown,
But now it is time I travelled on alone.
So grieve for me for a while, if grieve you must
Then let your grief be comforted by trust
That is the only way for a while that we must part,
So treasure the memories within your heart.
I won’t be far away for life goes on.
And if you need me, call and I will come.
Though you can’t see or touch me, I will be near
And if you listen with your heart, you’ll hear
All my love around you soft and clear
And then, when you come this way alone,
I’ll greet you with a smile and a “Welcome Home”.
David
Hi David,
Thank you very much for your reply. It brought me to tears but only because it was so beautifully written.
I've been out a long walk today but I never considered swimming so I'll try and do that over the next couple of weeks.
I remembered a restaurant mum liked so I took a drive out to that tonight and thought about what she'd choose and the conversations we would have whilst watching the views and it was really enjoyable.
It's a work in progress but I'll get there 
.
Don't worry about how long your journey takes just take it as you feel each day. Your mum will be there with you so talk to her and open yourself to signs she is listening. even trivial things like oh, it's been frosty again or the price of x has gone up, would you believe it is now £. Remember when she told you how much things were in her day. Also, as mentioned as much here as you want whenever you want.
PS funny thing is we all hate going out in the wet but we will go swimming.
David
I saw two Robins in the garden today which gave me some comfort. I also went another long, head clearing walk and I done the housework so all in all a good weekend
