Having to hold it all in

Hi Harleycha

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your family member and to hear that your husband is having difficulty in understanding how you are feeling, especially when your grief is so recent and raw. I am at an age now when so many of my contemporaries are leaving me - friends who I have known and cared about for decades in some instances and it never seems to get any easier. To lose someone well before their 'time' is particularly hard.

Have you come across Ullie Kaye who posts on facebook? She writes some of the most beautiful poetry, much of it on the subject of grief and loss and I find a lot of comfort in her words at times. If you have a look and find it really isn't helpful then please accept my apologies, but I thought it would be worth mentioning.

I shall add you to my personal and private prayers, if you're ok with that.

Hi Harleycha

Welcome to the community.  I'm sorry to hear about your recent loss.

Firstly, holding in your grief will make things worse for you long term,  Whenever you do release it you may be much more upset and angry with a lot of people so you need to tackle it as quickly as you can.  If you need to cry just do so even in the middle of a busy supermarket - you can just pop to the toilet if necessary.  Do you have an HR team at work?  Try them if you do as they are trained in aspects of human emotions and will be able to offer some guidance.

If you can not talk to your husband about this, what about the family mentioned at the start?  They are feeling it much worse but you can help them and they can help you by talking about it.  Sometimes just being there as a silent shoulder works best.

Some of the things you can do to ease your grief, and you don't need to involve your husband, is visit some of the places he loved.  Sit quietly, relax and open yourself up to any signs that he will be near you.  Talk to hime about shared memories and ask hime to comfort, guide and support you.  he will always be around you and you need to open yourself to the signs such as smelling his favourite scent, hear the radio change to his favourite song / band, if you are in the park a wild bird may come very close to you.

Another great thing to do is writing.  You can write down whatever you are feeling in anyway you want then destroy it if you want - the act of writing will help you to understand things better and express all of your feelings.  You could do this alone or with family members or his friends.  You must include both happy and sad stories to make it balanced.  Also include lots of photos.  I f he had any children this could be kept together for them as a memory book to look back on.

You could leave your computer accidentally open on this page when making a cuppa so that your husband sees it.  It may encourage hime to offer more support when he notices you looking elsewhere.  Do you have siblings or a best friend who you can talk to about anything?  True friends will be there for you anytime and listen and if necessary just give you a big hug rather than say anything.

If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat.  You can use this link your area to find support near where you live.  This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential. 

Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.

There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.

This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back.  This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.

This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.

Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I and you are you.

Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.

Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around

the corner .......

All is well.

Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.

Thank you Argy48 I'm so sorry you've lost so many friends. I can't empathise with that but I know my mum found it really difficult and I can only imagine the complex emotions this causes. 

Gosh DaveyBo thank you so much, I am crying now reading this, the advice is helpful and the poem is perfect, it's what he would have wanted. Thank you.

You're welcome Harleycha.  Remember to post whenever you want and whatever you want and someone will always get back to you.  Also, the support line is on e quick phone call away if it's urgent.