My fit and healthy father was diagnosed with secondary liver cancer middle of August. They thought it had cone from the kidney however biopsy showed this was not the case. Primary cancer was unknown. The cancer was very aggressive and his liver was fall of Tumours. We went to an appointment 19th August and he had to be admitted and was given terminal prognosis he died today 5 days later. So quick we were gearing up for what treatment could be used to nothing more they can do
I laid on the bed and held him close intill he took his last breath my brothers held his hands and we didn't let him be alone. I'm going to miss him so much my dad has always been my rock and now he has gone.
Cancer is so cruel
Hi Kaymonkey
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the recent loss of your dad.
You can take great comfort knowing that he passed peacefully with all his family around him. This would have made his passing much easier and he would know how much he was loved. Sadly, cancer can act very quickly and people don't have time to prepare.
Remember that his body may have stopped working but he will always be around you. He will always be there to guide, support and comfort you and your brothers. You have to learn to notice any signs he is there and not put them down to coincidence. There are many different ways he will let you know he is near such as finding a white feather somewhere unexpectedly, smelling his favourite scents, radio / tv retuning to his favourite. If you visit one of his favourite places such as the local park you may find a wild bird coming extremely close or feel a breath of wind on a perfectly still day. You must open yourself to accept and recognise any signs becuase it will be your dads way of letting you know he is watching over you.
Talk to him whenever and where ever you want, ask him to comfort you and await any resposnse. Always let your emotions show, never bottle them up. Even in a busy supermarket you can pop to the toilet for a few minutes or ask the staff to look after your trolley while you pop outside. Anyone who doesn't understand is not ignoring you but maybe has not gone through anything similar. We all grieve in our own way and at our own speed - there are no rights or wrongs. You may do it differently and take a a different time than your brothers but don't compare yourself with them. Over time you will learn what can trigger your emotions and then develop coping stratgeies for these. The pain of grief never goes but it does feel easier as you develop more coping strategies.
A great way to express your emotions is by writing. You can do this on your own or with family and some of your dad's friends. You can destroy everything straight away - the act of writing it down will have helped. You could combine it all together as a memory book which can include stories from your childhood, stories from your dad's childhood, stories from other family members and your dad's friends. You must include sad and happy stories to give a balanced view. And don't forget lots of photos. This can be kept to be used in the future for remembering and to refresh yourself on coping strategies. If there are any grandchildren then it will be great for them to look back on.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you and your brothers a big hug.
David
Yes, you will find strange little signs that most people ignore. He is telling you thet he is there, well and watching over you. You will find more signs over the coming weeks but they will get less as you manage better and don't need as much support from your dad. He will still be there if needed but not as involved.
David
