Lost my beautiful Mum, and i'm lost

My life feels in a never ending spiral of anxiety, grief and unbearable sadness every waking second of my life. I came straight out of an abusive 18 year relationship, into a nightmare watching my mum suffer for over a year that she kept hidden to always protect me and my sister as she had a crippling fear of hospitals all her life. But the bravest woman I know she fought all of that and spent the last months of her life there having every test, every biopsy every blood test, and radiotherapy at 74 years old.

Never without a smile, love and caring for everyone else on each ward around her. Blessed that all these months later there's still families I speak to everyday, in particular one lady who her and mum being kindred spirit friends. And it broke me when she told me last week they've stopped treatment for her AML because it's no longer working and she only has weeks to months left. 

I've just lost my beautiful Mum, with the most beautiful gentle soul you could ever meet, 3 months ago on June 17th. This was to a negligent missed cancer diagnosis, and Mum passed from metastatic cancer of unknown primary.

It was a shock to us all, I stayed home everyday with her and cared for her when she moved in with me as they told us all the symptoms were psychiatric. The things I saw... had to help her with... watching a woman who had never been in hospital her whole life and was the healthiest, most creative and intelligent soul, full of joy and glowing and in the her beautiful garden all day everyday... reduced to someone who couldn't even walk anymore and sobbing every single second.

The cancer was crushing her spinal cord, and because they missed it with the wrong scans, my beautiful Mum within days become paraplegic. 

I then went from that hell to staying by her side in a campbed, in 4 different hospitals, 7 days a week I never went anywhere so I could always be with her, except just a few days as I also had the monumental stress of moving house on my own from mine to mum's house, where I was going to stay with her while eventually moving in next door.

I had to fight and fight against every bad decision in every hospital, and to protect her beautiful fragile mind and soul we never even told her she was just for palliative care. She was now smiling and saying although I can't walk I feel better and i've found my motivation again. So I carried that burden too, for Mum

I fought to bring her back home to her house in her beloved childhood village. I arranged everything got her daily carers, brand new medical bed and lovely floral bedding she chose, all new personal care products in a fabric storage chest,  everything I could do to keep spoiling her and all her favourite foods stocked up. 

This was on Friday 14th June we got home, barely 3 days later on Monday 17th early hours, my beautiful Mum passed away in A&E resus at my local hospital. I never left her side for those few days again, I even slept in the armchair every night, and it was there I woke up early that Monday morning to find Mum breathing strangely but completely unconscious and unresponsive, the emergency doctor and paramedics couldn't even find a vein they had all collapsed. But we rushed her on blue lights through every red light, with my sister and family following behind absolutely sobbing.

I remember it was like time stopped. I couldn't breathe nothing felt real and I was so dizzy me and my sister were holding each other up. They rushed Mum into the bay in A&E resus and softly asked us to wait in the relatives room.

I'll never forget that moment he patted my hand and said this is part of life, i'm so sorry but your Mum is dying. Come and say goodbye. I couldn't move and forgot where I was until my brother in law and sister took my hand and we went in there and sat next to mum, me and my sister both sodes each holding her hand. It was the most traumatising horrifoc experience of my life seeing my beautiful Mum laying there not breathing.

My neice flew down from work and rushed in crying with us and as we were stroking mum's forehead and talking non-stop to her, my brother in law gently pointed at the heart monitor which had been sitting at 50bpm, it shot up once to 157bpm just as my neice got there. And Mum was gone.

We made phone calls and the lovely nurses they moved Mum to this beautiful relatives room with a sunset photograph covering the entire room, and we didn't leave there for hours and hours talking to mum and holding her hands and kissing her sweet face.

My only little bit of happiness is Mum was so, so proud of herself for conquering her lifelong medical fears. And she held my hand one day in hospital as we were chatting away looking at gardening magazines, and she said "you've always been my guardian angel sweetheart you give me peace of mind, and do you know i'm not frightened here anymore and I'm not frightened of dying" and I cuddled her tight and said it'll be more beautiful there than it ever is on this planet and you'll finally be back with your Mum and your family.

I feel unwell and ill every single day, I feel like it's going to finish me. Is anyone else suffering with the most debilitating depression/anxiety and physical symptoms? I'm getting over a 2 week flu I couldn't get up off the sofa from because I'm so run down.

My stomach hurts every single day with a watery feeling in my mouth, I'm flushed hot and red but shivering with goosebumps, stomach pain, headaches, muscle pain, tight chest and feeling like I can't breathe. And this overwhelming sensation of panic and fear like i'm going to go mad any second and have the worst panic attack of my life, and fearing like i'll feel like this forever. Temperature check and urine check shows no issues at all.

My life has been one trauma and one fear after another since childhood. I feel like I just can't cope with anymore my body is in overdrive. 

Love & light and the biggest hugs to anyone else going through this unbearable hell. Sorry for the long post, just made me feel better finally getting this off my chest, I live alone and hate going out so it's a very lonely place.

Nadine