I’m not saying any more than any of the other posts below. But I miss my Dad, who died last August, so much. His death from oesophageal cancer was traumatic. I can’t forget it. I cry a lot. But I don’t feel any better for it. I fact I generally feel quite ill and I’ve had a cough and chesty thing for 10 weeks. We’ve also had a hard year clearing and selling dad’s property. I just feel drained. Even the money from the sale doesn’t really help. It means nothing really. I’m not ungrateful but I’d rather have my dad back.
And my mum has just had a serious fall where she fractured several ribs, and her doing that has made me suddenly realise I’m going to lose her too. And I can’t bear it. I think I’m being and have been probably overprotective of her in the past year, and then this has happened and I feel totally guilty about it. That I couldn’t stop it. She also has so many things wrong with her I don’t know how she keeps going, but she does. But I do know she won’t be there forever. And I can’t bear that thought.
I don’t like to think of myself or someone who might be depressed or have anxiety, but I think I might have. Luckily, I have just recently retired, so I don’t have the pressures that people working full time have. That must be just dreadful. But I just feel so bad all the time, I can’t relax. I feel tired and shattered. And I don’t want to keep bursting into tears. It’s not fair on my husband who has to be the brunt. But I just can’t stop it.
I feel that ill health and death are really nasty tricks that get played on us at the end of life. I know I’m going to have more sadness into the future. I don’t know how I’m going to cope with that. I can’t really cope with it now.
I lost both my parents back in 2013, my dad after a long and fairly horrible illness and my mother pretty much out of the blue.
Anniversaries are often really difficult but for me things did get easier as time went on with the ability to look back at all the good times we had rather than how things went at the end.
Have you tried looking to see if you could speak to a grief councilor, cruse and the loss foundation can be really helpful here.
I was at a friends funeral a little while ago and the celebrant said "grief is the price we pay for love" and that really struck a chord with me.
<<hugs>>
Steve
