Lost my mum 10 years after losing my dad

Hi Vwhite

Welcome to the community.  I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mum and dad.

Your mum will want you to stay strong for yourself and for your 2 yr old but also allowing yourself some me time to grieve..  She will always be around you both to guide, support and comfort you both as best she can.  We all grieve in our own ways so there is no right or wrong way or time frame.  The main thing is not to listen people who say you should be over it by now or it's time to move on - you go at your own pace.

You have to learn to open yourself to signs that your mum is present.  Talk to her where and whenever you want, visit some of her favourite places (park, beach) and ask her to help you feel peaceful and feel her presence.  The signs can be in many forms such as finding unexpected white feathers, radio / tv re tuning to her favourite, a breath of wind on your face on a perfectly still day, the smell of her favourite perfume.  If you open yourself to these you will realise these are signs she is present.  Your 2 yr old may spot signs also so don't ignore these if they think they sense something.  Plant some of her favourite flowers in the garden or local park (permission needed) as a lasting memory. The pain of grief never goes away but over time you will learn coping strategies to deal with any triggers and so the pain will seem easier.

A good way way of expressing all your emotions is by writing.  You can write what ever you like to get your feelings out of your system.  You can destroy these shortly afterwards if you want to.  Alternatively, and this would be good for your 2 yr old, you could compile them including stories of your childhood, your mums childhood and life.  You can do this alone or get help from family and some of your mums friends.  Include stories that are happy but also some sad ones to give a balance view and lots of photos.  You can also include any strategies you develop to cope with your feelings and you can look back on these if you feel that way again so you can use the same strategy.  it will be a great memory book for your 2 yr old.

Here are some links to look at which may help with your 2 yr old - 

Supporting a child through grief and loss | Kids Helpline

Helping Children Cope With Grief - Child Mind Institute

Helping Toddlers Cope with Grief and Death | ZERO TO THREE

If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.

Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.

There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.

This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.

This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.

Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I and you are you.

Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.

Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around

the corner .......

All is well.

Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.

Hi David, I am in tears reading this poem as my husband’s funeral is this Friday. I may well ask the celebrant to use this. Heartbroken at the moment. 

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum.  My mum passed away last Wednesday.  I'm an only child, my Dad is still with me.  After 3 years caring for mum, her last few weeks were horrendous.  The last 3 months were just a gradual decline.  I feel completely numb.  And guilty for feeling numb and relieved.  I feel the last few weeks have been traumatising.  I'm thinking of you x

Thank you. Mum declined very quickly in the last 3 weeks. We only found out she had confirmed cancer on friday just gone and then sunday she passed. She had hid all of this for a long time by the sounds of things. I have been living with my mum now the house feels weird her not being here but her stuff is. I just have one sibling he can be very forceful in trying to get his own way. Mum owned the house that i am currently living in. The house/ estate is to be split equal down the middle. I know i need to get a mortgage on half to pay my brother his half of the house but im worried as a single mum, that im going to struggle with the repayments. I think its the unknown that is scaring me as mum would normally help guide me through things. I also want to get a dog for security and to not feel alone, especially at night time. My brother is fine with this. However i feel that the rest of the family will think its too soon after mum to be getting a dog. Sorry for the loss of your mum its hard when you see them go down hill. Its not nice seeing your mum slowly fade away and knowing you cant do anything to change or stop it. Sending a big hug your way, how is your dad holding up? I remember my mums grief on my dads passing you feel numb, helpless but things will work themselves out. It took me over a month to finally let it sink in about my dad walking across a beach at night seeing the moon in the sea i broke down and the numbness came in waves rather than being constant. I think what im trying to say is there is no right or wrong way to grieve but we need to grieve to be able to move forwards. I hope your holding it up here if you want to rant x

Glad to help and best wishes for Friday - remember he'll be there beside in spirit to guide you through it.

Hello,

I’m so sorry for your loss. I know this must be a very difficult time for you and your family. 

I am 32 years old and lost my mum to oesophagus cancer around 4 weeks ago. We were very close and this has hit me really hard. I also lost my Dad in 2014 to cancer and  feel very alone. We were always a very close family and my parents were married for 25 years, and since becoming a widow my Mum never moved on. 

I have a 5 year old son who keeps me busy but I am struggling to process the last few months. 

Hi DaveyBo, I am only now starting to come out of the dark tunnel of the past month. The intensity of grief, looking after our children, arranging the funeral, pushing through all the legal stuff, and on it goes. I was actually questioning whether I could make it through. I didn’t want to go on. In the end, I decided that although the pain has been unbearable, I could not do that to our {adult} children. The poem you suggested, “Death is Nothing at all”, was the one I chose for the funeral. It was beautiful, and friends said the service was uplifting. Thank you for  kindness and understanding, as it is now bringing me great comfort. Kind regards.

Hi strangely it feels nice to have someone going through a similar life experience. Shame that it’s in these difficult circumstances, my mum never remarried or had a boyfriend after dad. They were married for 28 years when dad passed this Friday is her funeral. It will also be 38 years since they got married. I have ups and downs like you say the little one keeps you busy. My daughter started preschool this Wednesday just gone. I felt the urge to call mum to let her know but had that wave when i realised that i couldn't. I dont know about yourself but the loneliness is nothing i have experienced before. Its like i have lost a part of who i am. If you ever want to chat about things my inbox is always open. Keep your chin up i know its easier said than done

Yes I agree, although it’s awful circumstances it’s a comforting feeling knowing that you’re not the only one experiencing this. 
I hope that you get on okay at your Mums funeral, my Mum had hers on Tuesday. 

I’m exactly the same. It was my son’s first day at school last week and it felt so strange not sending my Mum a photo of him and calling her up to let her know how he got on. Yes it’s very lonely for me also, she was my best friend as well as my Mum. 

I really hope that you’re as well as can be and also always here if you need a chat.