The ache of grief

Elsbeth, I'm so very sorry to hear of your loss. I can assure you, you're not alone on this hard road of grief with lots of bumps in it! 

I find it very comforting to read&share experiences with others on here.....although it really is the club no one wants to be in. I lost my lovely Dad on 4th January....I still have days of total disbelief&shock, then the realisation hits that he's gone&I'll not see him again. Then the pain hits....and the tears. Cancer is so, so cruel. What it does to our loved ones is beyond belief.....I'm still quite traumatised by my Dad's last 6 weeks. Can only be described as horrific. So yes, I do understand your pain.....I can't help you work through it, but happy to listen and I can certainly sympathise and empathise. I've shared this before on here, but I found it a help....hope you do too. Xxx

Dear Theboys....

Thank you for your very kind and supportive message. It meant a huge amount to me.

I send my sincere condolences to you and yours following the death of your dear Dad. I know you are in great pain and shock and disbelief over your loss, which is wholly understandable.

What you are experiencing, amongst other feelings, is the deep ache of love for your Dad:

....'And ever has it be known that one does not know the depth of love until the hour of separation.'

Please remember, as I strive to do with the death of my dear brother, that we do not travel alone. We were meant to console and be consoled on this forum.  Thank you for the lovely Vicki Harrison message....so apt .....Let's hope on.... it is early days for us both and no doubt for many others who are likewise bereaved and hurting....we stumble on....

Sending my kindest wishes and hope...however fragile,

Elsbeth xx

Hi Elsbeth,

I feel your loss of your Brother and your grief.

I am also a new to this site. My wife passed on the 5th May from Breast Cancer aged 52.

2 years of treatment but the cancer was relentless. I was with my wife in hospital and the last couple of days was traumatic watching someone you love pass.

My emotions are all over the place. Tearful everyday. I have a daughter at home which I now support on my own.

How I move forward seems unclear as my grief seems to now control me every day.

xx

Hi there, I have found your post really comforting, and describes exactly how I am feeling at the moment. My husband passed on the 4th August in the early hours. My adult children and I are really struggling to get through each day, and I am having nightmares. The grief when it comes is crushing, and yes it was horrific too. Your poem describes exactly we are feeling, I having to fight really hard for it not to destroy me. 

Hi,

So sorry for your loss.

My wife passed on the 5th May and I have been overwhelmed with emotion’s for 3 months now. Tearful everyday. The last days in hospital keep flooding back. Those last words and moments together. Very traumatic and something I was not prepared for.

I waiting to see a counsellor in September but really want to get help now. Hard to know how to control my emotions. This is by far the hardest part of my life. My wife was 52, so young.

M.

Hi there, I am so sorry to hear about your wife. It sounds my experience was very similar to yours. I can’t seem to control the grief, it is so overpowering. How are we supposed to live, when the person you loved the most in the world is no longer there ? 

It seems a long time for you to have to wait to see a counsellor. Have you found anything that helps ? I have had to sort all the funeral arrangements over the last few days. It will be next Friday. How am I going to get through that ? Kind regards. 

Hi,

The grief is very overwhelming. Everyday, every hour you drift in and out of many emotions. I feel a huge sense of loneliness and sadness. You miss those little things you say and do together daily. Memories come flooding back. Happy and sad times. Could I have done things differently- the regrets. I’m told no but you always doubt yourself.

Grief is an emotion I have felt before but not at this intensity.  30 years with my wife and suddenly you see her slip away in front of you and that’s it. You go home and wonder how, why what am I going to do.

The funeral was on the 7th June so just over a month later. Along time to wait. I did the arrangements. Picked up the death certificate- contacted the funeral directors- visited the church etc. All the things you have to do but don’t want to do.

The month before the funeral there are lots of family around. Phone calls - texts- cards.

Unfortunately these become less after the funeral and you are left more on your own. Hopefully your children can support you moving forward, and you support them.

3 months on and I’m emotionally exhausted. Seeing a counsellor may help me. Talking through those last couple of days in particular - the trauma of losing someone so close.

Like most things now there’s always a waiting list to see a counsellor. Not ideal as I want to talk now.

The Funeral next Friday will be extremely sad and difficult. Make sure you have done all the things you want to so you don’t regret on the day that it could of been better or I should of done that. Go through each step in advance - it helped me know that every detail was in place and the service was a celebration of my wife’s life.

I had some of my wife’s personal items on me at the service which was a comfort. The Palliative Care lady  gave us a pink knitted heart in those last couple of hours which I held and now treasure.

Mx

Thank you, I appreciate your insights. My husband is at the funeral parlour now. I am quite creative, so that has been helpful. Thinking about creating beauty on the day. I had his favourite jeans, belt, T-Shirt, hankies and fleece ready. He won’t be cold. He is now dressed in those.

We have a beautiful joint burial plot that we purchase six years ago. It is in a medieval church yard, we all visited a few days ago. I have his wedding ring, which I am wearing and this is a comfort. Kind regards.

Hi Insanity Kate & BMK,

I'm so very sorry to hear of your losses....and totally understand the pain & emotions you are both going through. It's been 7 months now since we lost my Dad and we're still navigating the grieving process. I will say that now, some days are better than others and we remember my Dad in happier times and can talk about him without crying. We laugh about him and enjoy looking at photographs....but then other days are just awful and the realisation that we'll not see him again and he's gone hit really hard. I can only describe it as a physical pain.....my heart is truly broken. My Mum is quite lost without him....she misses him terribly. They were together since she was 16 and he was 18....they were married for 55 years. She nursed and cared for him up to the very end, really was in sickness and in health, till death us do part. My Mum is struggling with anxiety, feels very anxious and says she doesn't like being in their house anymore, but then when she's out, she wants to go home. We are all doing our best to get navigate this grief......

Sorry, if I'm rambling a bit/jumping around, but I find it helps to just off-load on here. It's a safe space and we all understand. Friends, family and work colleagues are great, but they don't always know what to say (and often end up saying the wrong thing....or just a load of platitudes....although meant well, can often be quite upsetting). Unless you're going through it I don't think you can truly 'get it'. 

BMK, I think you mentioned counselling. I have a friend who is a psychologist (and also lost her Mum in December) and she told me that we need at least 6 months to actually process the loss and then think about counselling as that will give us the tools to deal with our emotions and feelings. They do talk about the various stages of grief, but what isn't so well known is the fact that you don't just go through them and reach acceptance....you bounce from one to the other many times and sometimes can't 'move on' from one. I am going to have some counselling as at the moment my memories of my Dad are of those last 6 weeks of his life and all that he went through.....I want to remember the happier times. I'm also very angry at the lack of care he received and very sad that we didn't shout louder for him. Hindsight is marvellous, but when you're living that nightmare you put your trust in the professionals....and they let us down. Badly. 

Insanity Kate, I will be thinking of you on Friday. Give him the best send off.....it will be a very emotional day, but it will also be filled with love and laughter. I felt quite strong at my Dad's funeral....was surrounded by friends and family and felt the love for my Dad. Absolutely fell apart the following day.....but it was needed. Cried and wailed in my car on my way home from my Mum and Dad's. 

I pop in/out on this online community, and do find it comforting knowing I'm not going through this alone, and there are lots of us there feeling absolutely devastated. 

Sending love and strength to you both....and all of us going through this right now.

Take care. xxx

P.S....there are times when it all feels too much....just breathe....and focus on getting through the next 10 minutes. People say take it a day at a time....I say a day, a morning, an afternoon, 10 mins, 5 mins....at a time....and breathe....

Thank you so much for your insights. I did something silly just now, I looked at one of my favourite pictures of us, together in The West Country. on the Jurassic Coast. I am missing my husband so badly, and I don’t want to forget what he looks like. Please tell me that there is hope, and that it will get easier. I am devastated. We would have been married 36 years this year. The tears keep falling.