Really struggling after fathers passing

Oh my poor girl....I hear you&understand how you feel. I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your lovely Dad...even though he fought it for 18mths it's still a massive shock isn't it? 

I lost my lovely Dad in Jan and am navigating my way through the grief, while looking out for my Mum&my younger sister. It's exhausting. I think like you I am putting on the face....going to work, looking after my 2 boys, walking the dog, getting through the days because I have to. I have no choice, but believe me if I could just hide myself away I would. Yes, people do care for you&love you, but I would imagine as you're holding it together (albeit an act!)  they see you as the 'strong' one and think you're dealing with it. No one can truly understand how you're feeling as we all feel it differently and until you've lost someone I don't think you can really understand. 

It's still very early days for you&the loss is still very raw. I was absolutely dreading going back to work, and I'd started in a new role before losing my Dad and I won't lie it was really, really hard going back in. However, I have to say it did actually help. I was busy&although I still go to the loo for a little cry dome days, before you know it the day is done. I read on this forum somewhere a lady had said that she answers people when they ask how she is by saying that what you see on the outside is not what is happening in her heart or head. I think this is very apt. 

Please look after yourself&maybe next time someone asks how your Mum&brother are, tell them how you feel too. Sending a big hug to you. Xx

I hope you find these a comfort. X

Hi OliveGirl - welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your message and experience. Your post could have been written by me - and while I don't have advice as such, I just wanted to reassure you that you are not alone in how you are feeling. It sounds like you are being a huge support to your family and I am very sorry you are going through this at such a young age. I think your dad would be very proud of you for holding your family together at such a difficult time. 

My father also passed away in March this year  - Like you I had been keeping busy with the necessary admin and it is only really this month where I have had space and less things to do to keep me occupied, that I am starting to really feel the true impact of the loss. 

My advice with work is to be honest about how you are feeling about going back. You don't mention your occupation, but perhaps privately consider how your work could support you. If you are in a customer front facing job, could you ask for some duties that would instead allow you to work 'behind the scenes' to settle in privately? Could you ask for reduced hours to have a phased return? Are there duties at work that your manager could swap with someone else in your team to give you a quieter, easier day so you don't feel overwhelmed? Do you need to go back to work at all or would requesting additional compassionate leave be an option? Most employers will be willing to make any reasonable adjustments to your role to help you return to work. It will be hard going back to work, but I have sometimes found it a relief to be at work as it helps keep a routine and provides a welcome distraction from home. 

We all cope and manage our emotions differently, but it can sometimes be helpful to confide in family and friends if you are struggling rather than acting 'normal'. Grief can make you feel very isolated and alone, but please remember your second to last sentence - people care and love you, so don't be afraid to call on your resources! Letting people know how you are truly feeling is a way of letting people in to help you. I've found from experience, people want to help me but don't know how to - sometimes the strongest days for myself and my family since losing Dad have been when I have admitted I need support as it opens the door for a conversation. If it really isn't an option for you to speak to family or friends, I would encourage you to call Macmillan and speak to their volunteers. They have been non-judgmental, comforting and a place to vent and express myself privately when I have called. 

RE the doctors and the month (!!!!!!) wait for the appointment - you don't need to share, but if the reason you contacted the GP was for counselling or emotional support, there are a few other ways you can access this. If Dad was cared for by a hospice, it might be worth inquiring there to see if they offer any counselling or aftercare for relatives. I am in the South East of the UK and the hospice that looked after my Dad have offered bereavement counselling. Depending also on your employment, some employers offer counselling through the workplace - these are confidential and free to access if your employer has a scheme in place. You would usually have about 6-8 sessions.  Although you access it through work, it will be a separate 3rd party that will host the sessions so everything you say is confidential and separate from your workplace. I would definitely still speak to speak to your GP, but these avenues might help give you a quicker reply and support in the interim while you wait for your appointment on the 2nd July.

Sending lots of love and strength to you.

Anxious_bookworm24.....such a lovely message in response to Olivegirl1 post. 

Sending love and strength to you too. X

My mum passed on 27th may and I'm trying to be strong for Dad and the family. I'm 51 and I feel like I have a massive hole in me and wander how noone can notice it. Her funeral is Tuesday coming and I'm dreading it xx