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Hey Billiewow!

So sorry for your recent losses. What you write about I can identify with this very well. I am just weeks away from my husband's first anniversary of his passing in June last year (2023) he fought bowel cancer for almost 2 years at one time going into remission when they cut his tumour out in January 2022 and was told it was gone only for it to return 5 months later in May of the same year even though I had asked at one of his post op hospital appointments should he not get some kind of chemo or radiotherapy treatment just to be sure but was told it was not necessary and there it came back 5 months later after a follow up appointment with his surgeon who took bloods from him and then he received a letter a few weeks later to say his CEA markers had risen and a further CT scan had been requested to which then confirmed his cancer had returned. Further chemo sessions followed but made him very ill and in the end the chemo had to be withdrawn completely because of kidney damage. This then led to him contracting sepsis 4 times and it was the 4th one along with his advancing cancer which finally took him on the 23rd June 2023. Like you, I have been unable to cry for him and I sometimes find that not normal but when he was going through his treatment I cried buckets and thought I would never stop. I think because just two months after he passed my older sister also got a bowel cancer diagnosis but in complete different contrast to my husband. Her's was discovered very early so it was a case that she went in got the tumour cut out- which they said was quite small and she did not need any chemo or radiotherapy treatment. She is recovering well  and they are happy with her progress. My son's future mother-in-law passed just a few weeks ago also to cancer so it's been following me around this last year. I don't know if it is because I have had all this going on that I have just not been able to grieve properly since losing my husband. I feel that if I could have just one big outburst of crying I would feel that bit better but I just feel as though I'm going with the flow as they say. My best wishes to you going forward. 

Vicky