She’s gone but it doesn’t feel real

Hi Pheonixivy

Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your sister.

What you are feeling is a perfectly normal part of the grieving process.  We all grieve at our own speed and in our own way so there are no rights or wrongs.  Your own mind knows what you can and can't deal with and will control how you grieve.  If you cry very hard one day and the next you don't it is because your mind is giving you time to recover before it allows you grieve so hard again.  The main thing is never to bottle up you feelings and cry when ever and whereever you want - you can do it quietly or pop to the nearest toilet if in a shop or go outside for fresh air.

You can take great comfort knowing that you were with your sister during her last hours and that would have given her great comfort and made her passing more emotionally peaceful.  Remember also that she is always there with you and will try to guide, support and comfort you in the same sisterly way she used to.  Talk to her anytime, anywhere and quietly shut off everything around you no matter whre you are and open yourself to her response.  She will send a sign to show she is near and listening.  You may find an unexpected white feather somewhere, radio / tv retuning to her favourite, smell her favourite perfume.  If you are at her favourite place such as the local park then you may get a wild bird come extremely close or feel a breath of wind on a totally still day.  You will know which of these are signs and not just mere coincidences.

A great to express your emotions is to write everything down.  No one else needs to see these notes and you can destroy them soon after - the act of writing will have helped get your emotions out.  You could write it in the form of a letter to your sister, just as general notes or even write them as a story.  Combine them together to form a memory book with lots of photos - you must include sad stories as well as happy ones to give a balance view.  You can do this alone or involve as many family members and friends of your sister as you want.  You can also include any coping strategies you use to cope with bad days and then return to these again to re use the same startegy in the future.  The pain of grief never leaves but the reason it seems easier is because you learn how to cope with the thoughts, feelings and emotions better over time.

If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat.  You can use this link your area to find support near where you live.  This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential. 

Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.

There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.

This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back.  This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.

This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.

Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I and you are you.

Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.

Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around

the corner .......

All is well.

Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.

Hi Pheonixivy,

Yes as David has said what you are feeling is normal and yes you will think it's not really happening and something like this only happens to other people. I was like this too. I am only weeks away from my husband Jay's first anniversary of his passing. At the moment I am just re-living last year and everything that went on up until his passing on the 23rd June last year. Some days I still wake up and can't believe he's not here. Going to bed at night as well I have tried going early some nights to see if it helps but takes ages for me to go to sleep and then I just end up getting back up again and then in the morning I feel so tired and don't want to get up. Some mornings I wonder what I'm getting up for but I have a little dog ( he was Jay's dog) who needs to be walked so he is one reason I need to get out of bed. No matter how busy or occupied you try to keep yourself you just always have that `empty feeling` and it's right what they say you could be in a roomful of people and still just feel so lost and alone. But please don't think you will feel this way as we all deal with grief differently. Visit here when you feel you need to because we all `get it` and there is help here via the phone or chat service. I have reached out here as well as other sources when I have felt really desperate at times and it can help just speaking to someone. I am still visiting the bowel cancer forum it was bowel cancer Jay had and he too fought it for just over 2 years and just to rub salt in the wound two months after his passing my sister got the same diagnosis but she has been fortunate that hers was caught at a very early stage and they were able to cut hers out and she has been recovering well since. Ironically she had breast cancer 5 years ago and beat that also. I have bonded well with a few of the ladies there and they appreciate that I still visit there and offer support where I can for them with them still going through this. My best Wishes to you going forward. Take Care. 

Vicky xx

Hi Vicky

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your husband.  The first year is always the hardest with all the firts happening.  What I said to Pheonixivy applies to yourself also, most of which you are already aware of.  Remember as well is that your / his dog will be suffering bereavement too - you could have alook here in case there is something you haven't thought of How to help a grieving dog | Blue Cross.

Sadly it's all about timing, your sister was very lucky being caught early.  This applies to so many cancers and those left behind often berate themselves for not seeing early signs or forcing a loved one to get help.  I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason - your husband now has a greater role to play elsewhere.

Sending hugs and best wishes to you and your sister.

Thank you Davey,

It has never really occurred to me that `Jack` (my dog) would be grieving. Since Jay has passed I have noticed though that he had been looking `very sad` in the first few weeks of his passing and wanted to be nearer me a lot. He sleeps on top on my bed which I'm fine with he's just a little dog- a Border Terrier I have one of those big furry `donut` shaped beds for him he starts off in that but by morning he is up beside me. He's had a few tummy upsets too and sometimes is not interested in his food but other that that he is fine. It was interesting to read that link for Blue Cross you sent. He seems to have gotten into a routine with me now though and knows his times for going out etc. We used to have big German Shepherd dog as well but he had to be put to sleep through old age 4 years ago he was 13 years old a good age for a GS. Ironically the date we put him to sleep is round about the same date that Jay passed so just wondering if there was something in that because just after we put `Max` to sleep that was when everything sort of began happening in that year 2020 and it was the end of that year that Jay's cancer symptoms began to surface and he got his diagnosis the following year. Strange how these things happen. Thanks again.

Vicky