My story of my mum passing

Hi, I've only just found this site and registered this morning so I've not shared my story yet and don't really know where to start,but your story is the first one I've read and it's almost identical to mine.  I hope I can find the courage to be brave enough to do the same.

I'm so sorry for your loss and I totally understand your pain, my head feels like it will explode with everything that happened and I don't know how to navigate it all and deal with my grief which is overwhelming.

Please don't feel alone, your story has helped me realise that I'm not alone and that I've hopefully found the right place to share with people who are struggling the same way and hopefully help each other. 

I'm so sorry to read about your mum, my deepest condolences to you and your family. Words are inadequate, it happened so fast, it must have been a massive shock. You've done your best for her and I can tell you dearly love your mun. Thank you for sharing your story and your hopeful outlook after this traumatic experience. Your mum will live on in your heart, you are part of your mum, a continuation of her. My dad passed away 3 weeks ago, my younger brother wisely said to me "we contain 50% of dad's genes', he's still here, he's a part of us" I never thought of it like that, it helped me feel a bit better. 

I went to a grief workshop, there were about 10 people. Gosh, it made me realise that so many people are grieving and I'm not alone. The organiser kept on empathising that grief is personal, we all deal with it differently, there'll be good days and bad days.

I wish you and anyone who is suffering from grief all the best. Remember you are not alone, there are lots of helplines and counselling available if you need to talk to someone. 

Hi Sunny, 

Thank you for your reply, I'm grateful you did. It helps me too! Don't worry at all and don't put any pressure on yourself. I'm learning myself that the size of the grief we carry doesn't change but we get better at carrying it.

All I can say is go slowly and be kind to yourself. I had to take the day in 10 minutes chunks at one point because I couldn't cope with anything more. 

Thank you for your kindness. I'm gutted that we've met through this way and I'm so sorry for your loss. Keep going you can do this, We have to do the best for those we have lost! 

Hey fallingleaves

Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot that you can tell I loved her so much and did the best I could. 

Beautiful words from your brother, I didn't think of it like that either! I shall take them and pass them to my brother and sister. 

Amazing that you went to the workshop. I have had a similar experience of learning so much about the people close to me and how they have also had grief and they have just grown around it and so I never knew what they were going through. I hate grief, I hate that it's a part of life and I wish mum had more time on earth. She was joyful and optimistic about everything though so I feel I have to look towards the light as she would have done.

Thank you, love to you and your family. Stay close to each other.  

Hi Rob, 

Thank you for replying, I will try and share my story soon too, it worries me that it's a bit lengthy but I think this might be the only place where I can do it and people will understand.

The ten minute chunks is a good idea, I might try that to try and break it down a bit.

For me it feels like there are two parts of this to process which seems too hard. The first being my grief at the loss of my beautiful mum, and the second being the ridiculous amount of time it took to get a diagnosis, by which time it was too late.

I'm not sure where to start so at the moment I'm going to hang on to the 10 minute chunks and the the words of Fallingleaves about 50% of the genes as I'd never thought of it like that either, and that's actually quite comforting.

Thank you for all your support and you're right, we do need to do the best we can for them and I know my mum would be telling me the same thing.

Thanks for taking the time to reply, Rob. I'm glad you and Sunnyislandgirl both find a bit of comfort in what my brother said about our parent's genes. I was crying over apple juice last week, it reminded me of my dad, I calmed myself down by telling myself "dad likes to drink this, i need to wipe away the tears and enjoy this apple juice like how dad used to love drinking it, I'm made up of dad's genes"

I'm glad you had meaningful conversations with others about grief and it's helped you. I agree, grief isn't something to get rid off, time will not heal the wound (for some people it might, everyone is different and grief is a personal journey), it's about growing around it and finding strategies to cope with it. Like my apple juice incident. We need to find our own strategies to work our way through/around it. 

Rob, I hate grief too and wished my dad had more time. Your mum sounds like a lovely and beautiful person, she's passed her optimist outlook onto you, you sound like a great person too. I'm sorry we've met in this forum. 

Sunnyislandgirl, I'm so sorry for your loss too. If you want to share your story, you can do so in your own time when you feel like it. Everyone is very supportive and understanding on this forum. In the grief workshop I went to, I mentioned there were 10 people,  over half of the people lost their loved ones unexpectedly and several people lost their loved ones due to delays in diagnosis/treatment. I know it's not good to compare but compared to my grief, they had extra layer of emotions to deal with (my dad had terminal bowel cancer, given months to live and he survived for over a year, so I had more time and it wasn't such a massive shock). I don't have any advice to give but I'll list some info that I find helpful (I've had a year of experiencing anticipatory grief and did lots of research)

Podcasts  -  Dead Parent Club podcast, Dead talks podcast (there's also a YouTube channel for it), Griefcast podcast

Books - You Are Not Alone by Cariad Lloyd (she's a British comedian, also host of the Griefcast) and The Grieving Brain by Mary Frances O'Connor

On YouTube - search for David Kessler, he's a grief expert and I recently discovered a channel called "The Dr John Delony Show", he's like an American agony uncle, I found several videos were he spoke to people who are grieving (best to type in John Delony grief into YouTube cos he has lots of videos)

Personally for me, I found these resources helpful because I can read/listen to how other people navigate grief and it makes me feel less alone. And this forum is helpful to. I'm so grateful for Macmillan and everyone who had replied to my posts! This might not be helpful for everyone, some people might need counselling or to call a support helpline, for example Marie Curie, Cruse bereavement support. Whoever reading this and suffering from grief, I'm so sorry you're going through this, remember you are not alone, support is available, please reach out and it's ok to ask for help, or post on here, everyone is so friendly and supportive. 

Oops I've rambled on and written a lot. I hope you find some it helpful.

Big hugs to to you all x

Oh, I forgot to mention, the Disney cartoons, The Lion King and Coco... they made me cry my eyes out, but I found a bit of solace watching them cos it touches on the grief topic. And there's a children book called Cry, Heart, But Never Break by Glenn Ringtved (I found a YouTube video where someone read the book out loud and showed the pictures from the book), it's such a sad, sweet and uplifting children's story book. I'm childish, finding comfort in cartoons and children books to help me deal with grief! I thought I'll mention it incase anyone finds it helpful. 

Hey Sunny, 

I hope you're getting on ok. I just wanted to reply to let you know I am still here. I hear you and I understand. I think it's because it's two massive doses of stress that you have gone through and we now have no choice other than to put one foot in front of the other. I hope the days are going ok and the ten minute chunks might have helped a little, I have certainly been sharing fallenleaves words with my family. 

Best Wishes. 

Hi fallingleaves, 

Thank you again for replying. Although I have left it a long time I did take a lot of comfort from your words. Each day is still a process for me too. Thank you for sharing your story about apple juice. I've having a little cry every single day now, it's music for me or pictures or just coming to terms still with the loss. I can't bare the thought she's not around. It's so frustrating, sad, upsetting. Everything.

Thank you for being so kind about my mum, I bet your Dad was extra special too. I hope you have kept finding little snippets of reasons to be positive. They are there and the brain training will be hard! 

And also thank for all of your recommendations!! I shall slowly make my way through them. 

Best wishes again and lots of love