My mum died a year ago Sunday. She definitely didn't receive the care she deserved and died in a hospital the same day OTs came to see her about going home. This last year I've spent a lot of time going over events, missing mum and generally hating how she's not here.
I have tried to do the best by my small family; mostly looking after my grandparents (her parents) on my own and seeing dad when I can. I also have a daughter.
But for this one day, I just want it gone. I want to stay in bed or be on my own and try to forget it. I certainly don't want to go to the crematorium or be around my family. Is this allowed or does this make me a horrible person? I try so hard each day to do the best I can but there's nothing to mark for me. I just want to ignore it.
Thanks if you read my ramblings.
Hi Mill1234
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mum.
The first thing to remember is that everyone grieves in their own way and at their own speed. So, what is right for one may not be right for, and even frowned upong by, others. Yes you have other family members to think about and care for but there still needs to be time when your need your own space. if you do not grieve properly due to doing so much for others this can have a long term effect on your own wellbeing. Remember also that hindsight is a wonderful - we all think loved ones were not cared for properly, or we didn't say or do the right things ourselves. Everything happens for a reason.
Do you have a close friend who is not family? Maybe you could go away for a weekend somewhere new and not talk about the reason behind your trip - just enjoy it. If you do need to talk or cry your friend will be there to comfort you without any objections or critiscism.
The pain of grief never goes away but over time you develop your own coping strategies to deal with any triggers that bring back memories. the first year with all the 'firsts' is the hardest but you get more used to them. Rather than mourn your mums passing on the day possibly do something to celebrate her life - she was a good mother and grandmother. Even if it is just very close family you can have a small party with cakes and remembering all the good things and celebrate her achievements. This may seem heartless to some but you have to do things to suit you and your family. Talk to your mum regularly and she will find a way to let you know she is near - you have to open yourself to recognise any signs such as radio / tv retuning, finding a white feather or smelling her favourite perfume. She will always try to find a way to support, guide and comfort you and your family.
You could try writing all your emotions down to help you with grieving. You must include happy and sad feelings / memories. You can use what ever wording you like and when finished through it in the bin - the act of writing will help to relieve some of your feelings. If you want you could involve family and friends of your mum. Include lots of photos and remember to get a balance between happy and sad. This could be kept as a book which could be good for your little girl to remember her gran in the future. Also, if you write about your feelings you could include how you dealt with a bad situation when something triggered your emotions. Looking back over this when it happens again you could then use the same coping strategy again.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
Hi Mill1234,
I'm so very sorry to hear of the loss of your dear Mum.
I was going to send a reply saying that there is no right or wrong way to grieve,and you just have to go with what feels right for you&your family.....then I read DaveyBo's reply to you and I simply can't put it any better! What a lovely post and after losing my lovely Dad 2 months ago, I also found it very comforting.
I check in here most days, I don't often respond, but I'll pop on a hug or love to let people know I feel their pain. Its strangely comforting to read how others are feeling and what we're going through. Take some comfort that you're not alone&we're all just trying to get through this as best as we can. Take care.
P.s. Someone told me it hurts so much because we loved them so much. Xx
