Tormenting flashbacks

Hello Ewol09, I am so sorry to hear about your dad and his brave battle with lung cancer, my condolences to you and all his loved ones. I lost my mum to lung cancer and like your dad, her last days were distressing and left me with some awful memories, which as you are also experiencing, know they are difficult to put away, The flashbacks are upsetting but perfectly normal, we are also led to believe everyone passes away peacefully, and the reality is they don't, which makes the loss more difficult, It has only been three months for you, grieving affects us in different ways and can go on for some time, the flashbacks will make way for all the happy memories you have of your dad and soon you will remember your dad with a smile on your face, It just takes time, If you have any clips or photo's of your dad you should watch them to remind yourself of all the wonderful times you shared, you will cry through them but it will help you heal. I have counselling, but not for losing mum, and would recommend them to anyone who needs it. Can i suggest  you see if you have a Maggies centre near you, search www.maggies.org as they have cancer support specialist you can talk to about your loss, you don't need an appointment, just pop in after 9am. please take care.

Eddie

Hi Ewol/Eddie,

I lost my partner of 18 years on Jan 10th. Jayne had Breast Cancer for 3 years and battled bravely. She managed to be clear after the first bout but it returned a year later. She had a mastectomy but the cancer returned again. She suffered an acute ischemic bleed on the brain on the morning of Jan 10th whilst she was in a hospice for pain relief management. She was taken into hospital where they told me to prepare for the worst. I expected the Dr. to say weeks or even months but she told me it was a matter of hours. I stayed with her until the end which was 6 hours later. I have terrible flashbacks from the hospice where i heard a patient screaming in agony. Unbeknown to me it was Jayne. I presume this was the bleed on the brain. Whilst in the hospital her breathing was awful to listen to. I haven't slept for more than an hour a night since Jan 10th and sleeping tablets have not helped. I have no answers and seem to be running on empty at the moment. Any advice would be gratefully received. Thanks, 

Aww my gosh Bluestew. How awful my heart breaks for you. Life is so cruel at times. This last week has been pretty kind on me. I've kept myself busy but dad is never far from my thoughts. It would have been his 58th birthday last Sunday, st Patrick's day which is where he got his name from, Shaun and I'm named after my dad, Shaunna. 

Not sure how you feel about clairvoyants but I went to see one last month. I went with an open mind not knowing if to believe it or not and had no idea what to expect. But my god she blew my mind. My dad came through, she said his name, everything she said was spot on and he thanked me for everything I did for him (how would she know I cared for him) and that he's at peace and pain free with other family members also said their names. She had me in tears. I gave nothing away just yes and no answers. I came out feeling shocked but it comforted me massively. If you are anywhere near Barnsley I'll happily send her details over to you if you fancy seeing her yourself? 

And I know what you mean about the breathing. I sat by his bed for 3 days listening to the changes in his breath, longer pauses, more rattley, studying them myself trying to prepare myself thinking is it going to happen now.. I actually couldn't sleep in the same bed as my husband for about 2 weeks because I was so fixated on his breathing and snoring and would wake me up in the night in a panic thinking it was my dad. Dad was on the driver so absolutely no response anymore. He was single and my nan is nearly 80 so I did everything I could. Because I'd not slept for them 3 days I was exhausted so I left the hospice at 1.30am to try and get a bit of sleep. He actually passed away in shortly after. The hospice rang at 3.40am to say I think you should come through as the breathing has changed again but I'd actually missed him by 10 minutes when i got there. This also plays on my mind but my mum assures me he did this on purpose as he'd told her he didn't want anyone there when he went. I went to see him. He was just laying there, I'd never seen a dead body before. I gave him a kiss on the head and he was still warm which in my head i expected him to be cold. Room silent, no buzzing from the air bed machine and no more struggles of breath. The nurses put a chair at his bedside and said I could stay with him aslong as i wanted but I just couldn't I had to get out that room. This is some of the things that stick in my mind.

Sending you my love and you are not alone. Talking helps. Have a cry and get it out xxx 

Sorry I totally missed your reply. And so sorry you have been through this with your poor mum. Thank you for your kind words. I have checked maggies out and unfortunately there isn't one local to me. This week has been much better and I hope I get stronger from here onwards. I have his ashes upstairs which I am still struggling to arrange a place and time to scatter them. I don't feel ready and wondering if I ever will as I am happy they are here in some weird way. I was planning on scattering them at his favourite seaside place, Whitby x

Hello Bluestew, truelly saddened to hear of the passing of your partner Jayne and her final hours, after her brave fight with this horrible disease, and my heart goes out to you for what you have been, and are going through, and the awful images you are having. My fiend, i have lost three loved ones and sadly have to say there is no quick way through your grief, though you will find a way, the things that helped me are talking about your loss and your feelings with family, friends and/or professionals ie counsellors or support specialists it is so important, being open with your feelings if you want to cry then do so keeping your emotions bottled up will not help you, Try to keep busy and if you can do a little exercise every day a walk maybe this will help you both physically and emotionally and may help you sleep. Your flashbacks to the hospice are sending your anxiety levels soaring and you can't sleep because of it, your body will not let you sleep when anxious. because of it. A couple of suggestions  call Macmillan helpline 0808 808 00 00, and search www.maggies.org they are a drop in centre for people effected by cancer you don't need an appointment just pop in between 9am and 5pm, they have helped so many on the community myself included, helping me manage with terminal cancer. PS you are right Jayne's SAH would have been the cause of her pain  take care.

Eddie

Hi Shaunna, Happy your feeling a little better, As for scattering his ashes you will know when and where, when the time is right, Though Whitby does sound nice, Sorry Maggies in Leeds is too far ,it's a  lovely place, best wishes.

Eddie

Wow. Heartbreaking stuff. Jayne was 57 when she died. We lost our dog just before Christmas and he was everything to both of us but especially jayne. I think he knew that she wasn't well and eased my burden. He was the best. I have a friend who has suggested we bring her friend in to the house to clear the badness. I guess this is similar to the clairvoyant. I am open to anything at the moment as I really need to sleep. Your response has shown me that I am not on my own. Hopefully times will get better. I am in Stockport. Thank you shaunna x

Thank you so much Eddie. Life is difficult at the moment. I play golf and try to get out a few times a week but the weather doesn't help. I will look at calling at the Christie to see if Maggies can help. Thanks again x

Your welcome, I hope Maggies can help you as much as they have helped me, best wishes.

Eddie