I've lost my partner of 12 Years in such a cruel way to Womb Cancer. I am trying my upmost to look after myself and keeping active, but the thought of me never seeing my beloved partner is hurting so much. I have been through some very tough times, especially in the last 5 years or so but nothing can compare to what I'm feeling about this loss. I cry several times everyday and have done for months leading up to her losing her life. I've been told by other people who lost loved ones that it gets better over time, but I just can't see that happening. We had a lovely future planned out and was going to get married in the next year or so. This has now all been taken away. I never thought I would fall so deeply in love with someone like this and I know in my heart she was the one. I feel lost and empty inside and I can't imagine my future without her.
Hi Mr Lovely
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your partner. You have taken the first, and a very big, step by reaching out to the community.
Your emotions are perfectly normal and it is better to let these out by crying than being strong and bottling them up. Even if you are somewhere in public you can shed tears quietly or pop to the toilet for 5 minutes to compose yourself. You can look back on all the good times you had together and what strong feelings you had for each other - many people don't have these.
Your partner will always be around you and you have to open yourself to feel her presence. Talk to her when and where you want. She will always be listening and will always try to find a way to let you know she is near. You may smell her favourite perfume, radio / tv may retune to her favourite programme, you may find an unexpected white feather. Visit her favourite place such as the local park and sit quietly talking to her gently. If it is a perfectly still day you may feel a slight breeze on your cheek. A wild bird / animal may come very close. The signs will be there - you just have to open yourself to accept these rather than think they are just conincidence.
The pain you are feeling never goes away. However, over time your brain will teach you coping strategies so that you can cope with things easier each time they arise. This is why people say it gets better over time - it is the coping that gets better. Remember we all grieve in our own way and at our own speed so don't compare yourself to others have seened to recover quicker - they could just be putting on a brave face. Talk to people (family, firends) who you know will listen and give you honest answers just the answers that they think you want to hear.
A great way to help is by writing everything down. You must include lots of happy stories as well as sad ones. You can write it in any form you like. Scrap it after writing if it has helped you get things out of your system. You may want to keep it for future reference especially if it has a coping strategy in it as this may help in the future. If you want to involve lots of family and friends you can but everyone needs to be perfectly honest not use rose tinted glasses. It is sometimes easier to write your feelings than express them verbally. Ask your partner to guide your thoughts and emotions while you write - you may suddenly remember something long forgotten, this will be her influence on you.
Everything you did for your partner right up to ther end would have shown her how much you loved her and made her passing for emotionally peaceful - you can take great comfort from this. Play some of her favourite music and sit quietly listening, open yourself for any sign - something may be in a slighlty different place (ornament) or you may find something in a draw you thought was lost.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
