Dad’s unexpected death was traumatic.

Hello temo and welcome to the forum though i am so sorry you have to be here in such circumstances and saddened to hear about your dad and what he went through. temo i lost my mum to lung cancer, she passed away 16 weeks after diagnosis and apart from one 5 minute visit 3 days from the end got no help from anywhere and like your wonderful dad her end was not peaceful. I understand your anger and grief  and the feeling your dad was not important to them and feeling abandoned. temo i lost my mum a few years ago and managed to move on but i do still get upset at times, Moving on from such a traumatic time is difficult but talking about it is so important in understanding what you are feeling, how to make sense of things and how to move forward, as is asking yourself, what would your dad want you to do, I'm sure he would want you to be happy, have a good life and make him proud, which is what i have told my kids as my time is short due to cancer. please take care.

Eddie

Hi there, 

I to had a similar experience my mum was at home with me the whole time and the district nurses were amazing I wouldn't have got by with out them. How ever everyone else was not so good palliative non existent could never get hold of them when I needed to. Hospital staff not listening for months. The end was similar to your experience all I kept saying at the time was all the books they gave me Marie curie and everything I read was nothing like they said nothing at all it was long and cruel and I can't get the images and noise out of my head and it's been nearly a year and I still here that noise. They say grief comes in stages I don't think I have even hit the stages yet I'm just traumatised and broken. I wish I had advice to give you to say you will be ok but I really don't have any I am nearly 12 months in and it hurts so much there are the rare days I won't cry and people tell me those days will come more and more. I found I just need to rest all the time because I'm physically exhausted from it mentally as well so my only advice is to breath take in the days that are extremely hard accept them and cry all day but the next day try to go for a walk or a sit out side because the next day will still be hard but not as hard as those days and come on here to share your story and read others to know your not alone I don't really speak to anyone to be honest I feel like my family are fed up because I'm so doom and gloom all the time and I can't speak because noone gets it so open up on here is easier to get stuff off your chest I will be starting counselling with Marie curie at some point to help so that is something in time you should do because you have been. Through so much to be able to carry on and live again I think we all need any help we can get. 

All my love xx

Hello!

I have just read your post. Your situation sound similar to mine. I was with my husband in hospital when he passed away almost 9 months ago and I still remember that horrible breathing they do at the end when you just know everything is `shutting down`. He fought bowel cancer for two years at one point after his operation to remove the tumour he went into remission but cancer decided it wasn't done with him and came back determined to take him 5 months later. At the time of his post op meeting with his oncologist I asked if my husband should get some post op chemo or radiation as a precaution to stop it coming back as they were satisfied they go it all but was told no because it wasn't necessary at the time and if not necessary it doesn't get done. But there 5 months later after  a follow up consultation with his surgeon and having blood tests done showed his CEA markers had risen so needed another CT scan which confirmed the cancer was back. I still maintain had he got some post op chemo it would have chased anything that was obviously still lingering. He then got put on more chemotherapy but this made him very ill and caused kidney damage which resulted in him having to have a double nephrostomy procedure where two drainage tubes had to be inserted into each side of his lower back to help his kidneys drain and he had to have a urinary catheter fitted also. 

After that he continually got sepsis infections which meant constant admissions to hospital.  In the end his body just gave in I think and he could take no more of what they had already thrown at him and he passed on 23rd June 2023. It was just two months after that that my older sister also got a diagnosis of bowel cancer but her's was caught very early and she has gone on to make a full recovery. 

Unlike yourself, I have not been able to cry for my husband. I did plenty when he was going through his illness and thought I would never stop but now when I want it to happen it doesn't and I just feel that this is how I am feeling constantly exhausted although I feel guilty and wonder why I feel exhausted as I feel I don't have anything to be exhausted for. I have what I call are `stuck weeks` these are the weeks I don't want to do anything, go anywhere or see anyone. I have has some telephone support through Marie Curie but this finished a couple of weeks ago. Been back to my GP and she said that I just may not realise how much I have gone through over the last few years with what happened with my husband and then my sister so soon after his passing. My husband and I were together for 40 years and to suddenly lose your life partner like that is certainly a shock to the system. I just feel that there is still a lot of grief there waiting to come out and if I could have one big outburst that would help. I try to keep occupied as much as possible but just constantly feel empty and wonder at times why I am doing the things I am doing. My GP prescribed me short term courses of Diazepam just to settle me for a time and has told me to keep a hold of numbers of resources when I feel I need to use them i.e. coming on here and I have used the SHOUT and CALM services as when my husband was really ill I felt a bit desperate because my attitude was if he's not going to be here then I don't want to be either but knew I wouldn't have the courage to see anything through and that's when I used those services. 

My older sister also has mild learning and mental health issues. She lives on her own in sheltered accomodation within walking distance from me. She relies on me for a lot of things in authority like banking and insurance issues etc. She'll phone me up the smallest trivial thing but in her world it's a big thing. Every little thing happening to me just now just seems mountainous as well whereas before it would be something I would just take with a pinch of salt but now start analysing everything and overthinking all the time. Sorry this post is so long. Just read it at your leisure and my best wishes to everyone here going forward. 

xx