Mum passed away this morning

2 months after being diagnosed with advanced liver cancer, my beautiful mum slipped away just after 7am this morning. 

Mum had been in hospital, the hospice, home for just over a week then back in the hospice on Thursday last week.

There were three of us there with her overnight last night and she deteriorated SO quickly (in a way this was a blessing, she said she wanted it to be quick at the end). 

She was so agitated around midnight, convulsing, groaning, tensing up, etc and the subcut midazolam took 45 minutes to settle her, it felt like a lifetime. 

I can't believe she's gone. 

I gave up my job and spent every day caring for her which I'm so glad I could do, but now I have no idea how to relax or what to do with myself. 

I keep having horrendous panic attacks back to back and can't seem to calm down. I'm not sure whether I can survive this pain :( it doesn't matter how many times you read about it or hear about it, people can never ever imagine this level of pain until they've felt it. It can't be understood with words alone. I get that now. 

My heart is broken, the person I loved more than anyone is gone.