Death in December

3 replies
15 subscribers
505 views

On saturday 23rd of December my dad passed away. I cannot wrap my mind around the speed at which it took him. His health hasn't been great over the past year but he was one of those people who never went to the doctors. I had been worried about him but he always played things down until the last week of november when out of nowhere he lost the use of his legs. He collapsed several times and my mum called me to pick him up and this was the point he realised he had no choice but to go hospital. Three weeks later he is dead. He had cancer in so many places. Mainly his lungs and a large mass that was pressing on his spine. The hardest part was watching it steal more and more of his dignity and independence day by day over those 3 terrible weeks. He was so brave and positive throughout and he spent the last week at home in end of life care. He set himself 2 goals. First get home. Second have christmas dinner. It robbed us of a last christmas together and it robbed him of his retirement at just 68 years old. A man who worked so hard all his life in the same job never got the rewards he deserved. And its these things that break my heart as well as knowing I will never see him again. The cruelty of it devastates me and i cannot stop thinking about him. I also feel like I never had the right conversations with him before he died. So focused on making him comfortable and caring for him that I didn't portray to him how much i loved him or how brave he was. It is torture.

Shakentothecore 10 months ago

Rewind_time, I am so sorry for the loss of your father and that you had to witness his steady decline over such a short period of time.

I lost my husband and soulmate 9 months ago to a rare blood cancer. Although we were told that he was going to be discharged home on February 6, just 6 days later we were told that he had "days to weeks to live". He died just 32 days later and during that time demonstrated such courage and a willingness to keep fighting. Like you, I witnessed his deterioration and found it gut-wrenching.

I suspect that if you dedicated your energies to making your dad comfortable and caring for him in his last 3 weeks of life, he saw how much you loved him.

It's not uncommon for those who have experienced a profound loss to be hard on themselves, and question if they said the right things, did enough to be sure that our loved got sufficient treatment, and if they could have somehow prevented the death or at least prolonged their life. I certainly felt this way after my husband died.

However, over time I came to realize that we all do the best that we can in these situations and that we really need to give ourselves some grace if we hope to make it through out grief. As part of being kind to myself, I also acknowledged that although the process of my husband's death might have been different, the outcome still would have been the same.

I have questioned the fairness of my husband's death multiple times, another common coping mechanism with grief. What you are feeling is not unique, but it is without a doubt very painful for you. I wish that I could change that. However, I hope you can find some solace in knowing that your dad is no longer dependent on others to do the simplest things in life.

Like you, I am sad that I will never see my husband again. However, I feel his presence everyday and am convinced that his spirit lives on in my heart. I hope that in time you will come to experience a similar feeling of acceptance.

Rewind_time 10 months ago in reply to Shakentothecore

Thank you so much for the beautiful and supportive words. Right now I am stuck in torture mode but I am hoping by talking to others like yourself and sharing our pain I can eventually break out of it.

JFK 10 months ago

Hi there, hope you're OK. I lost my dear dad in September and I'm still trying to come to terms with everything. I don't really have anything else to offer sadly, just a friendly hug and you're not alone

More from this forum

Death in December