I miss my Dad so much. He passed end of September.

Hello JFK 

I have just come across your post and an so sorry to read about your loss - as children it's something we nearly all go through and we all react to it differently. Like you I am an only child and when the time comes it's so hard to deal with - I know just where you are.

Trust me over time things will improve - I got through both my parent's passing by remembering the good times and my great childhood.

I don't normally read this forum (I hang around on the Prostate Cancer forum) but by me replying your post will be "bumped up" to the top of the forum and be noticed by other Community members and I hope you get more replies.

I miss my parents too - and I share in your grief too - there's nothing wrong with the process of grieving - and in time you will move on.

Best wishes - Brian.

I am so sorry for your loss. It is so hard to lose a parent. My mom passed away at the end of August and the reality of everyday without her is hard to bear.  I get that, there is so much to do with the funeral etc and then all of a sudden nothing and this is how life is now. It must be so hard being an only child as well. I hope you are able to find some support. It’s such early days, be kind and gentle to yourself. 

Take one day at a time. I also lost my dad in August. Make lists. Tick jobs off. Get advice if you need to on legal matters. So worth it. And look after you as much as mum. xx

Thanks.  I just feel numb and have all these emotions and feelings that burst through at times.  

I've been journaling , even if it's just 'I feel like crap today' and that helps.  

Occupational health at work have been in touch - how nice of my line manager to tick those boxes, 'We're here to help and support' ... erm right.  I'm signed off until then so I'll just get it extended into the new year.

Planning on going away on a break for chrimbo and new year, get some winter sun.  It's been a crap couple of years and I need it quite frankly.

Thanks.  It really is just one day at a time. Sometimes I just don't feel like getting out of bed, but I do - even if things are a bit slow and haphazard.  I alternatively get a bit bored and then also feel completely out of kilter.  Time seems distorted :(  

I have a spiral notepad that is my sort of 'to do list', I kept it in the run up to the nursing home, I'd keep any notes relating to Dad's care, social care team interactions, hospital discussions etc.  It was continued with the funeral arrangements - boy that was a big one.

I've continued it for journaling.  Just jotting down my thoughts. How I've been and felt (this helps with discussing with the GP and will be for work occy health).

Legal stuff seems OK, all the banks are in the process - just need to get my mum's proof of ID / completed forms off.

She seems determined to do the probate herself.  She's quite stubborn, but also did the probate for one of her brothers who passed away several years ago.  I'm not sure it's wise as doing the probate and clearing the house etc sent her even more round the twist than before.  Ah well, can't tell her what to do, she knows it all etc etc.   I'm past caring now quite frankly.

Thank you, I read your post and it's just so hard isn't it. :(  

It feels like I'm grieving all again from the start.   I'd started grieving when I realised my Dad's dementia was a thing ... the person I knew was no longer there, or only in fleeting moments ... but now I'm back to square one, grieving again all from the start ... and it's like being in a washing machine on extra spin cycle. 

I have a bit of family support, my cousins are close - my Dad is one of 3 brothers, one of the brothers is in poor health and only has 1 daughter, so me and her are in the same boat.  My other uncle is in poor health too but battling along, he had 3 kids and one is pretty close to me, we were broadly similar ages growing up down the road from each other, his mum (my aunty) died of cancer/renal failure a few years back and he's been really supportive, knowing how it is.

It's just so difficult isn't it.

So much of what you have written resonates with me. Not just the past year and losing a parent, but the life afterwards and all that it entails. The grieving, the 'sadmin', the support to others, all the while as you're trying to process it yourself and come to terms with what has happened, and how life will never be the same again.

Hi Mav, thanks.  It's horrendous.   
I like your description , "sadmin" - that's very apt.  I've been journaling a bit more.

At the moment I'm staying at my mums (and dads) house, she's having her 2nd cataract operation done (yesterday) and I'm just staying here to keep an eye (ho ho) on her, make sure she's OK.  It's ok but a bit emotionally exhausting, she's barely coping with her completely screwed mobility and tottering around this house on her own.   I fear she'll have a fall but is in total denial about everything.

It's obviously a shock to her and she's feeling quite isolated and lonely, it's sad to say , but she's promoted a lot of this herself and the relationship between my mum and dad wasn't great. She's very dogmatic and domineering and would rage and be quite verbally abusive and aggressive to my dad in the last few years.  I feel very sorry for my dad and he seemed to have given up really, so when I hear my mum negg'ing and going on about how my dad didn't do this or do that, or botched up something I just get really peed off.  I burst out the other day "Well it doesn't matter or resolve anything because he's DEAD now.  He's DEAD. So just stop going on about it".  Dear god.  I find it emotionally exhausting and it's sending my mental health down being around her quite frankly.  I'm be going home at the end of the week and tbh it's a relief, I'm not even starting on my own grief and I don't need or can cope with this at the moment.

Hello JFK 

I have been following your posts and your recent journey and hope you don't mind me stepping in with the offer of a little bit of help:

* If you live in England; Wales or Northern Ireland you could access some support from Cruse Bereavement Care. The contact details are 0808 808 1677, e-mail info@cruse.org.uk or on the internet WWW.cruse.org.uk. If you are in Scotland it's 0845 600 2277, e mail support@crusescotland.org.uk or on the internet www.crusescotland,org.uk

* There is also a cracking website called "At A Loss" - they can point you in the direction of help and support and they can be found on the internet at www.ataloss.org.uk

* There is also our support line on 0808 808 00 00 - There are some great people there who can also offer help and support.

It's at a time like this when just sometimes a chat with someone else who is a listening ear can be a great help.

Once again - i hope you don't mind me popping by and if i can help in any way, please don't hesitate to get back to me.

Best wishes - Brian.

Hi MilliBob, thanks for the reply and the information, much appreciated

I actually phoned the helpline for the first time the other night. It was very emotional.  I cried a lot.  I don't seem to be able to cry during the day, I think I'm just on autopilot during the day.  It's at certain times when I'm reflecting or thinking about certain things, when I had a conversation with my dad, things we did, places and relatives we visited ... then it's overwhelming. I suppose it's my brain filtering in a defence mechanism.  I've not really spoken to anyone yet, but the helpline gave me Cruse and At A Loss details which was much appreciated....  I suppose I just have to navigate through all of this.  It's difficult.

Thank you