I lost my big brother to bladder cancer 8 months ago. For two and a half years I watched him take a cancer journey I didn’t agree with. He was his choice and I have accepted that. I stood by his side, I held his hand when others found it too hard. He thought taking his own life would be the answer when things got too much. Four times he tried but of course his beautiful soul didn’t want that for him. So a day came when he said I am going to die today, I waved goodbye as the hospice ambulance took him away. Later that evening with me, his wife, his mum by his side he left us, so peacefully.
I was so close to my brother that I simply can’t get through a single day without thinking of him. Then the tears come, the sadness is overwhelming. Now I know he wanted me to have a happy life, we talked about such things. But how do you get used to living with the loss? I knew it would be hard when he passed but what I feel is just overwhelming.
This pass week has been bad as my husband dad has just passed away.
Hi Lostsis
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your brother and also your father-in-law.
It is perfectly normal to feel how you do and to think of him constantly. This shows what a strong bond you had and how much you loved each other. Talk to your brother when and where ever you want - he will always be around you listening. Ask him to guide, support and comfort you as best he can. He will send a sign that he is with you - a white feather, smelling his favourite aftershave / deodorant, radio / tv retuning to his favourite shows. You have to open yourself up to recognise these signs and welcome them and thank him for sending them. Tell him exactly how you feel in the same words you would use if he was here and ask him to respond. You can talk to him anywhere anytime but if you have one of his favourite posessions and / or are in one of his favourite places you will feel his presence much stronger. If you are in the local park you may feel a breath of wind on a perfectly still day or a wild bird, his favourite, may come very close.
You can take great comfort from knowing that you all being there when he passed made him feel loved and made his passing more peaceful. He would know that you will all be there for each other and you all need to comfort each other when and where ever you can. Some may not seem as emotional others but that doesn't mean they are not hurting as badly it is just their way of coping.
A great way to express all your emotions is to write. You can do this when you are alone, use whatever words you want then destroy them afterwards. You could do it with family members and some of his friends sharing lots of stories both happy and sad to get a true picture. You must include lots of photos. You can combine everything together to make a memory book.
Part of the writing can include how you are feeling emotionally and what you did to cope. Then, in the future, if a similar situation occurs you can look back at your writings and use the same method again. The pain never goes away but over time you develop coping strategies so that you can handle each situation more easily. There ill still be times when this is very difficult but these will get fewer and further between. There is no right or wrong way to grieve - we are all different and so take different amounts of time and do it in different ways. You need to grieve in your own way not what anyone else wants. So, if you want to cry when out anywhere just nip to the nearest toilet and do so. If you are with a very close friend who understands then they will help you through the situation - popping outside for 5 minutes may be all you need but that friend will be there for you.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
You're welcome Lostsis. Remember you can post here anytime you want and someone will respond - even in a few years time you may just need a little extra support.
Never bottle up your emotions, even in public you can shed tears quietly or pop to the nearest toilet. This sums it up perfectly
Hope you find something of your brothers to keep and treasure soon and sending you another hug.
David
