My boyfriend (age 38) of 4 years lost his dad (age 65) to cancer last month, and we had the funeral yesterday. His dad was a constant presence in his life, very supportive, and I met him a few times, especially when visiting him in hospital in the last 18 months or so.
I know my boyfriend well and feel I'm intune with how he's feeling, so I know how to support him (although any advice is of course welcome). My concern is kind of selfish. I'm grieving too, but this wasn't *my* person. I don't know how to process my feelings while supporting my boyfriend - so far I've just been suppressing, and crying in private. That might be the right thing to do but if there is any advice on this I'd very much appreciate it.
Hi Rainbowfish
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your boyfriends father.
What you are experiencing is perfectly normal. You are trying to hide how you feel from him because you do not want him to get too upset. You do not want him to feel that you need support when he has enough to deal with. I think this is a sign that you are trying to protect him from extreme emotions for himself and for you. If you have a strong relationship then you should be able to talk and shed tears together. Both of you can talk to his dad at anytime and ask him to be there to guide, support and comfort you. He will always be there and will try his best to send you both a sign he is near. This could be a radio / tv retuning, smelling his favourite deodorant, finding a long lost item. Visit one of the favourite places his dad visited and talk to him there - you may feel a breath of wind on a still day or a wild bird may come extremely close. Everything can be done alone or together or a mix of these.
A good way to express emotions is by writing. You can do this separately or together. When finished you can destroy everything or keep it to refer to in the future if you are having a bad day. You have to be totally honest when you write expressing happy and sad emotions. Your boyfriend could start recollecting all his childhood memories of his dad (happy and sad), the stories his dad told him of his own childhood, stories about his dad from other relatives or some of his dad's friends. Include lots of photos.
Make a note of triggers for your emotions and write these down. Keep them and when a similar occasion occurs look back on your notes on you coped then and use the same strategy again. The pain of loss never goes away but does seem less as you develop coping strategies to deal with the triggers. You can do this alone or together. If one person seems to be moving on quicker don't worry as this is normal. We all grieve in our own way and at our own pace so never think that you should match anyone. The main thing is never to bottle up your emotions. Even in crowded places (supermarket) it is easy to pop to the toilet to compose yourself, ask someone to keep an eye on your shopping while you get a breath of fresh air.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you both a big hug.
David
