My mother will die soon

My mother will die soon, and I live in a different country (UK).

I’m 31 and I know that I'm about to loose my mother to cancer. I’m stuck in London to continue my education as a mature student, one that cost me everything, 10 years of my life and so many sacrifices. I graduated a week ago and she couldn’t make it, nor could my father. I wasn’t expecting it either. It just felt pointless, not a real happy moment, just a desaturated version of what it should have been. I still need to be in town, I can’t leave or stop my commitments. 

I fear I will regret it but I truly have no choice.

However, I know that I am avoiding her too. I don’t even want to speak to her if I can skip the call, because everything is just so sad. She struggles breathing and talking at the same time. It doesn’t feel like her anymore, and I stopped long ago telling her every detail of my life. 

Sometimes I almost wish she’d die when I’m not there, to avoid all the suffering and goodbyes. Then I immediately feel guilty for even thinking it. 
My life has been built on risk and high stakes, if I stop I’ll lose everything. All of worked for could be gone in a second if I don’t play my cards right at this stage of my education and career. She wants me to succeed too. My relationship is a mess. My finances are a mess. 

I knew she wouldn’t have long to live when she had a complication, but the doctors have never said the words, my father kept on hoping. They are uneducated, but I’m not. Reading a few studies on scientific journal made everything clear that she would live between 1 and 3 months. I’ve never said a word to my father, he doesn’t really trust my opinion when it comes to science and medicine. So for once I avoided the usual discussion trying to convince him otherwise, because nobody wants to convince their father that his wife will die. So I kept on like usual, I just surprised her going there for a few nights, but I knew the reality even when seeing her feeling better, it’s only a matter of time. 

On the day of my graduation I texted some pictures and they didn’t reply as quickly as usual, I immediately imagined something was wrong. I didn’t call for days, being very busy. I called yesterday and my father revealed that she had a breathing crisis, and she didn’t want me to know.

He also told me the situation is getting worse and there’s nothing they can do, the doctor said. My father told me that as if he was giving me the worst news that would catch me by surprise, testament of how much he always underestimates my understanding of facts based on research. I told him I knew for weeks, months in fact, but their “trusted “ doctors would never say it to them. He told me angry that we had to hope, I told him I don’t base my life on hope but facts, it took me a few journal studies to understand the situation months ago. He seemed surprised. 

She could get worse anytime. She could die tomorrow during another unexpected crisis. I need to stay in London at least for a few more weeks. Then I’ll have to “commute “ (fly over there) as much as possible, trying not to lose my mind. 
 
I’ve lost her already in the middle of this cancer nightmare. 
I get very ostile with my father because I kept suggesting things to do during the whole thing, including eating a certain way or trying new therapies, and they have never listened. I knew there that it was a lost battle, the doctors wasted so much time at every stage, and they did nothing to slow things down with other strategies.

Maybe I’m angry, maybe I just moved on from trying to help them, losing empathy in the middle of it. 

I feel that I’ve lost both of them for different reasons, but I don’t know how to deal with the moment when she will actually die and soon after. I’m not prepared financially, and my other career is just starting. I can’t “ghost “ businesses because nobody cares about personal circumstances.

It all feels so unfair, every moment and achievement (present and future) is being stripped of joy, either because I was working too hard for it, or because the achievement itself was overshadowed by their absence. I don’t even know if it’s sadness, it’s probably numbness. 

I’m acting like I don’t care anymore, and I’m not sure if it’s because I am an adult with heavy financial responsibilities or because I’m not processing things properly. Maybe I thought that someone dealing with a parent’s sickness would leave everything for them. Maybe it’s because I don’t value their advice in a life so different from theirs, I haven’t asked for advice in years, I’ve only shared (and regretted doing so most of the times). 

They have been loving parents, but I haven’t being able to say or share many things to protect either them from their anxiety or myself from their opinions. 

Either way, anticipatory grief is revealing itself to be something very different from what I was expecting. 

I feel cold and heartless.