My beautiful mum gained her angel wings two days ago and I’m finding it so hard to deal with this pain. She was having breathing problems over Christmas, admitted to hospital late January and then diagnosed with lung cancer. She spent six weeks in hospital having a number of tests (she also had a blood clot on her lung and fluid that had to be drained) and undergoing various procedures. She decided to have chemo which could potentially give her a few extra months. She came out of hospital and started chemo but ended up back in hospital 3 weeks later. We had so many plans to do things she wanted to tick off her list and make some happy memories but we never got the chance to do them. She started getting more poorly and having to have higher doses of oxygen. I went to the hospital almost every day apart from the odd day when I had work meetings but knew someone else was visiting. I never felt like I could spend enough time with her though as I was juggling working full time and the hospital was a 30 minute drive away if traffic wasn’t bad. On Wednesday I was working in London. I wasn’t pressured to go into the office but as I haven’t been in since mum went into hospital the first time I thought I should make the effort. Mum got moved to a hospice that day (I didn’t know this was going to happen) and was told she only had weeks left. I got a phone call the next morning to say she had deteriorated drastically overnight. I went to see her and she was in a really bad way with her breathing. She didn’t open her eyes or speak but the nurses said she’d know I was there. 15 minutes later she took her last breath. I’m left feeling shocked and devastated and I feel so guilty for not seeing her the day before as I could at least have spoken to her one last time then. I just don’t know how to deal with this, I’m so lost without my beautiful mum.
