she died 2 weeks after her birthday.
everything is so unfair i don’t know what to do.
the third anniversary just came up and i feel like i had just been mostly numbly blocking it out until now but the past few days i have been a wreck
she was the sunshine.. she never showed anyone her pain and was the kindest beautiful funniest most pure girl in the whole world. this was the second time she got cancer after surviving it the first time in early high school and she was in so much pain, so much of her life was overshadowed by this and i’m in so much heartache that she never even had a chance to be normal and experience life.
i feel like my chest is about to split open and i’m struggling to go to work everyday.
i feel guilty for telling her to go to the doctor and get the lump checked out immediately when she confided in me, i was so set on it when she just wanted a couple more months of normalcy.. and it’s not like it helped in the end.
i wish we had more time to make memories with her when she was cancer free, which was almost none of it.
i texted her almost everyday in hospital to make sure she knew she wasn’t alone, and she replied intermittently. she was still so positive and friendly… i’ve never met anyone so strong and brave. towards the end it was mostly about how much she was struggling and how much pain she was in. i cant talk about this to my friend group as this would only further traumatise them and i don’t want to make them feel bad that she mostly only talked to me. she also said a couple things about possible bad faith actions from doctors that horrified me but she said it was very personal and didn’t want me to tell anyone so i can’t talk about this either.
i don’t know what to do with all my pain
i know she had good times, i’d like to remember those more, but that’s hard to think about when she was so young. i would maybe be able to accept it if she had more time. just to be a normal person
but she didn’t. and that was her shot at life. over
