My mum passed away on Wednesday, she was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer in October 2019 and came to live with me, my husband and my Daughter (now 13) straight away. Her latest scan in January (got results middle of Feb) showed the cancer had spread slightly and she had a small amount of fluid in her stomach but the consultant wanted to leave her on current treatment for another 4 weeks and scan again. On the 2nd March her skin and eyes started looked to look yellow and her stomach swelled so I took her A&E (rang consultant first to be told by secretary he was away and she didn’t know what to suggest) she was admitted and then passed away on the 15th which from what I believe was organ failure due the cancer.
I am absolutely heartbroken and can’t bare to go into her bedroom. I thought yesterday mother days would be horrendous but I didn’t cry once, I have cried all previous days but yesterday nothing. I am now racked with guilt that I wasn’t upset, I feel like my mum is looking down on me thinking I don’t care. I know I am nowhere over my mums passing and will most likely burst into tears again very soon but I feel guilty when I’m not crying. Is this normal?
Hi Keepingthefaith
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the recent loss of your mum.
What you are experiencing is perfectly normal. Your mum is looking down on you and will always be there to comfort, guide and support you. Your mum would have made you feel calm on Sunday to avoid getting extremely upset - she knows how much pain you are feeling and will ease this whenever she can. You and your family can take great comfort for looking after all the time she was living with you. This would have given your mum great comfort and made her passing emotionally more peaceful.
We all grieve in our own particular way and at our own pace so don't worry if you can't go into her bedroom. Your mum is influencing you not to because she wants you not to feel so much pain - she will guide you to let you know when the time is right. Talk to her when and where ever you want - even in a supermarket and if anybody looks just ignore or make a joke about talking to yourself. If you feel like crying just pop to the nearest toilet for five minutes or you could ask a member of staff to watch your shopping while pop out for fresh air.
Visit your mums favourite place such as the local park and talk to her there. Sit quietly and she will send you a sign to let you know she is near such as a breath of wind on a perfectly still day or a wild bird coming extremely close. At home, you may smell your mums favourite perfume, radio / tv may re tune to her favourite programme or you may find something you thought was lost. You will always know when it is your mum visiting and not just a coincidence or trick of the mind.
A good way to help with grief is writing. You could just jot down simple things like had a bad day today but okay now. What triggered the bad and how did you cope to feel good? You can use these notes later in similar situations to help you. You could just through them away without anyone else seeing them or start creating a memory book about your mum. You must include happy and sad stories, stories from your childhood, stories your mum told you about her childhood, stories from other relatives and friends of your mums; and lots of photos. You could do this alone or work together as a family so you can all express your emotions together. You have to do what is right for you to help you through this process but you need to stay strong for your family. This website may be of great benefit to your daughter, Winston's, as many teenagers are unsure of how they feel and how to discuss it.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
