My dad passed away in May from kidney cancer that eventually just took over and by the end it was a relief to no longer see him in the state cancer put him in. Tomorrow is his birthday the first one without him and we decided to go out and celebrate with a lovely meal and try to make the most of it. I miss him terribly and still find it surreal that this has happened.
For me today has not been a celebration I’ve found it hard can’t shake my bad mood and find myself trying to perk up and failing. My mum and boyfriend seem to be getting on with it fine and I don’t hold that against them sometimes it’s just harder some days than others for everyone.
So why, when my mum starts to feel upset on the train home do I feel so annoyed about it. She’s upset because I’m upset but for once I’d like to just feel my own emotions without it then causing me to have to worry about how it will effect her or make her upset.
I feel so selfish and very inconsiderate but I can’t help just feeling so fed up about it that I can’t even bring myself to comfort her. We’re very close and normally I’m her entire support system which I don’t mind being. Today I’m just struggling all round and would like to just focus on that. Am I bad person and a horrible daughter?
A bit of a vent/ramble but it’s somewhere to get it out there.
Hi L_F
Sorry to hear about your dad and how you have been feeling. My dad died back in 2013 after a long illness so can well relate to your comments about the relief that he was no longer struggling.
Your feeling however a really totally normal and sometimes while we love our family dearly we can find it difficult to cope with their emotions on top of our own - and that is not being selfish or horrible at all.
Sometimes we all just need to vent - well done for coming here, we get it.
If at some point we feel stuck and cannot move forward there is help out there to deal with grief and help us move to a celebration of a live well lived rather that that feeling of absence.
<<hugs>>
Steve
