Hello,
I have recently lost my mum, and i feel like there is something wrong with me. She died on the 4th of january from pancreatic cancer and we buried her just on tuesday 17th january. I feel totally numb, everyone is so upset and crying and i feel nothing. My mum was my bestfriend and living next door to her i seen her everyday and when we were well we done everything together, she was my sons best friend and he thought the world of her as she.
My mum was diagnosed in december 2021 and given 3/6 months, she had the option of chemo and took this which she responded well to until around october 2022 she took a severe pain at first she thought was sciatica but the pain was so severe she was hospitilised for over a month, when she came on she was on a concotion of painkillers but the pain truely never dulled she was in agony daily. Mum is so strong and still managed to get herself out to bingo and as she was struggling she used crutches by the time she needed a wheelchair she was too poorly to go out. It was at this time mum was distressed and terrified of dying and broke down quite frequently. Around came christmas and mum was still very poorly and hardly leaving her bed.
She was adament she wanted to see christmas and new year and she did. My family came over from ireland on new years day and my mum somehow said right get me washed and fresh pjs and one last time il get up and sit in my chair and see them. She did and the following day she started to decline rapidly she was in extreme pain and very upset and agitated. District nurses were in and out regular trying to keep mum comfortable but she was just in so much pain. Mums mobility completley went, stubborn woman that my mum is she never had an accident she held until we got a catheter in for her, by this point she was declining rapidly and the pain in between her gasps for breath she was moaning obviously in a lot of pain, she also had a driver put in
45 mins before she died i got very upset, not at the fact she was dying it was more the manner in which she was dying. Im so angry and i cant understand, my mum lying there gasping for breath, in clear agony and distress.... you would not be allowed to leave an animal in the pain and suffering mum was in, she was so brave and so strong she didnt deserve to go through that at the end, why cant someone just give her an overdose of her medication that she goes peacefully into a sleep.
I just remember sitting by mum and the rattle stopping and her face going very pale we were all around her holding her hand i hope that gave her some comfort i told her she can go the pain and suffering is over and to go home to her mum and dad. That part was the peaceful bit.
Its all been very traumatising for myself my dad and sisters. I suppose i do feel something... anger? We can send people to the moon but we let people suffer agonising deaths i just cant get my head around it, i no i would have been advised to put my dog down well before he got anywhere near the stage my mum was at... i just cant understand. I dont feel my mum succumed to cancer she was the strongest bravest person i feel that we have failed her.
I miss her so much, ive seen her in her coffin and i still cant get my head around her being gone.
When will i wake up from this nightmare, i hate going to sleep i hate going to bed tonight knowing i have to do all this again tomorrow
Hi Julie
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mum.
Everything you are feeling - lack of understanding, anger, very little emotion - these are all a normal part of the grieving process. It shows that you had a very strong, loving bond with your mum and that your own mind is protecting you from the severe trauma of bereavement. Slowly these feelings will change and you will be able to grieve and understand why / how these things happen. You can take great comfort from being with your mum over her final weeks, this would also have given her great comfort and made her passing more emotionally peaceful.
Try talking to your mum when and where ever you want. You have to teach yourself to be peaceful and calm and allow through any signs she sends. She will always be there to guide and support you all but you have to open yourselves up to recognise this. You could talk to her quietly in your own room or quietly say a few words even in a busy supermarket - ask her what will be the best sauce to go with something and allow yourself to have her guide your hand to the correct one. You may not feel anything physically but you will feel peaceful and know you have been helped to make the right decision. You could visit one of your mum's favourite places such as the local park and talk to her there. Signs you may get are a breath of wind on a still day, a wild bird coming exceptionally close, smelling her favourite perfume, tv / radio retuning or finding a long forgotten item. Be aware of these or any other sign which shows she is still there and guiding you.
Another great way to express all your emotions is by writing as you've done here. You can do this alone and then destroy your writings, you can do it with family and keep everything. Create a memory book about your mum including stories from your childhood, stories she told you of her childhood, stories from other relatives and some of your mum's friends; and lots of photos. You must include both happy and sad stories to great a true balance. Just write it as it flows through your mind - you can always go back and rewrite it. When you have bad days write down what may have triggered it - hearing or seeing something that brought back a memory. Then write down your reaction - anger, crying, blankness. You can then over time refer back to your writing to see how you coped, how your coping strategies worked and improved over time. never withhold your emotions. If you are in a busy supermarket just shed silent tears, pop to the toilet, ask a staff member to watch your trolley while pop out for fresh air - you will find more people actually caring and willing to help than you think.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
