Hi, 2 weeks before Christmas my dad was complaining of severe constipation. He ended up going to the hospital and having an enema and given antibiotics etc. He had to go back due to symptoms continuing hut this time they did scans and said they had found a mass. The week of Christmas a doctor rang my dad and said they thought they could remove the majority of the mass they had found on his pancreas but said he needed further tests first.
My dad went for further tests between Christmas and New year but then became very jaundice leading to further blood tests. We were then told that he had stage 4 cancer of his pancreas and it had spread to his liver and unfortunately was untreatable. My dad was told he could possibly have chemo to help prolong his life but had said he had between 6months to a year. A week later and my dad had rapidly declined and they said they after further tests this was no longer an option as his ducts were blocked in his liver. My dad continued to rapidly decline daily and myself and my sister came to visit him (he lives on the Isle of Wight) last weekend and although he was very poorly we had been told he had weeks left and spent the weekend caring for him and chatting when he was awake.
I then had a phonecall on Wednesday from my dads nurse saying he had deteriated quicker than expected and that I needed to come to see him. My sister and I returned late Wednesday night/Thursday morning. By this point my dad was in a hospital bed in his living room fitted with a catheter, and a driver and I knew straight away he wouldn't beware again. I never got to speak to my dad again or hear his voice. I spent the night sleeping in the chair by his side. The next day his nurse came and she spoke to us about what to expect in terms of changes of his breathing etc and when asked if she had any idea how long based on professional judgement she replied 1-2 days. We were all devastated. Before the nurse had chance to leave my dad's breathing began to change. I held his hand and he began gripping it for the first time since I had returned. I said "oh look, he is gripping my hand" and got excited. At that, I looked at my dad and said "don't worry dad, were here, I love you." My sister came towards my dad and also said she loved him. Although my poor dad's tongue was all dried out and looked sore, he used all his strength to partly lift himself, gasped his last breath and said "yeah." My dad sadly didn't not breath again and we were all heartbroken.
I know I should find peace in knowing he could hear us but I am gutted that he seemed so scared. I can't get that image out of my head. I helped his amazing nurse Holly to give my dad a gentle wash and put him in some fresh clothes ready to be collected by the funeral directors. It felt an honour to do so even though it killed me inside. Ever since I have felt quite numb. How on earth do I even begin to process what we have been through and loosing my amazing dad? I am lost and can't face accepting it, it all just happened so fast. I was meant to be getting married in May but I cant face it knowing my dad can no longer be there and give me awayxx
Hi NJ1 welcome to the forum and sorry that you have not had a response as yet.
First of all can I say it is so heartening to know that your Dad could hear you even if he could not respond and that's a blessing in many ways because he left this world knowing he was not alone.
You are grieving for your Dad and that's ok, just go with the flow and feel or cry whenever you feel like it. When I read your post I could totally relate to all that you were saying as my Dad died from the same type of Cancer, but the difference for me is that I got 5 weeks with my dad and time has been taken from you so quickly and it is little wonder that you are struggling to comprehend that
I'm sure that despite how you are feeling that you should go ahead with your planned wedding that's what he would have wanted and I feel sure that just because you cant see him doesn't mean that he will not be there right by your side.
I dont know what else to say to you to make any of this any better except to let you know that I am thinking of you and send some huge big hugs your way for now. x xxxx
gail
