My Nan was diagnosed with stage4 gall bladder cancer in July this year- we spent a weird time in what I call the ‘grey’ area. No treatment (due to age and she didn’t want it anyway).
everything was so confusing- we were told and then nothing seemed to happen. No one around- Nan carried on living independently and it was all a bit surreal.
slowly her appetite decreased and she stopped wanting to go out- we were constantly asking each other- is this it? Is this what it looks like but as everyone’s experience is different there is no simple answer to that.
after 2 falls in one day (Monday 28th Nov) I stayed over. It all seemed to go downhill from there and lots of things kicked in… the district nurse came daily, a bed arrived for downstairs and various other appliances and aids, lots of meds from the GP and telephone calls & visits from the hospice at home people- no carers available though in Nans area. As a family we spent the next few days staying over and caring for her. On Sunday 4th December Nana passed away.
Even writing this now that doesn’t seem real- I went into organising mode- funeral (this week) house paperwork documents. Christmas has passed by and I still don’t feel like it’s real- as if it’s happening to someone else…
what happens now what does life look like without her, she was my best friend, my go to person- I’m not even sure I’m grieving yet…
Helpful just to write this down …
Hi Doris
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the recent loss of your nana.
You and your family can take great comfort from knowing that you did everything you could for your nana over the last few weeks. This would also have given her great joy and made her passing more comfortable and peaceful.
We all grieve in our own way and at our own way - our brains are wired to ensure we do this correctly and not suffer too much. With everything need to be sorted out and the Christmas period you have been too busy for any of your grief to surface. Your own mind will gradually help you to come to terms with everything but there is right or wrong way nor any timing on this. At the moment your mind is making you feel this way to avoid you having too much to deal with in one go. Remember many people don't always know what to say or do to someone who is grieving - it's up to you to say whether you want to talk about it or not. Never bottle your emotions up but let them flow. If you are in a busy supermarket you can shed silent tears, pop to the toilet for 5 minutes or even ask a member of staff to guard your trolley while you pop out for fresh air.
Talk to your nana as much as you want regardless of where you are - even small things like "Oooh it's cold outside" Your nana will always be around you and will try to guide and support you as best she can. Ask her to comfort you and help you with your grieving. You need to open yourself to allow your nana to show you any signs she can that she is there - smelling her favourite perfume, radio / tv retuning, finding an unexpected white feather. Visit her favourite places such as the local park and sit there and talk with her. Open yourself to any sign such as a breath of wind on a still day or a wild bird coming extremely close.
You mention writing helps. Take this to the next stage and start a memory book about your nana. Write about things from your childhood, things about your parents childhood with your nana and any stories your nana told you about her childhood. Include stories from relatives, any of your nana's friends and lots of photos. You don't need to keep this and you can do it on your own. Doing it with other family members allows you all to talk about it and grieve together so that you can help each other through it all.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
