Losing my mum

Hi Skemble

Welcome to the community.  I'm sorry to hear about the recent loss of your mum.

When you are caregiver, full or pert time, it is harder because you were together so much of the time.  However, you can flip this and take a huge positive from having spent that time with your mum and for all the care and comfort you gave her.  She would have had great comfort from you being there and for everything you did which would have made her last weeks and her passing more peaceful.

Your mum will still be around you and will try to support and guide you as best she can.  Talk to her whenever and wherever you want - even trivial things like "Oh it's snowing again"  You have to open yourself up to any sign she may send to let you know she is near.  This could be finding a white feather unexpectedly, radio / tv retuning, smelling her favourite perfume, finding some long lost item.  If you talk to her at her favourite place such as the local park you may feel a breath of wind on a perfectly still day or a small wild bird may come exceptionally close.  Ask her to comfort you and guide you through all your emotions and then quietly wait for a sense of peacefulness coming over you especially if accompanied with a smell of perfume which will let you know she is there supporting you.

A great way of expressing all your emotions is writing.  You can do this alone or with others, you can destroy it straight afterwards or keep it.  You have to write lots of happy things but also lots of sad things to get a balanced view.  If you have a bad moment write down what the trigger was and how you managed to overcome this.  You can look back in the future and use the same method in similar situations.  never bottle up your emotions just let them flow.  Even in a supermarket just nip to the toilet for a few minutes and if any asks if you are okay just tell them something triggered a memory - this can be added to your notes.  

You could combine all your writings into creating a memory book about your mum.  Include stories from your childhood, stories she told you about her childhood, stories from any relatives or family friends and lots of photos.

If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat.  You can use this link your area to find support near where you live.  This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential. 

Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.

There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.

This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back.  This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.

This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.

Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I and you are you.

Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.

Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around

the corner .......

All is well.

Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.

Thank you so much for your kind words that’s so helpful!

Hello there, I'm in a similar position to yourself. Aged 29 and lost my Mum (aged 65) to lung cancer (adenocarcinoma) just after 8 weeks after diagnosis. I'm an only child but I do have my Dad who I'm currently trying to support as well, but we seem to be dealing with my grief very different. Like you I dealt with all the funeral arrangements and I feel like it's only hitting me now because there's a disconnect between what's happened and going back to normal

I really support what the other person has suggested completely. I talk to my Mum quite frequently, especially if I'm in her bedroom. I text her every couple of days especially if I find out something I think she'd like to know. I regularly reread all her text messages and in that way I can still hear her voice in my head. I'm not close to any extended family at all, and have actually been shocked at their lack of contact. However, my best friends have been there and talking to them about Mum has been great. I do the same with my Dad, if a programme comes on the telly 'Oh Mum loves so-and-so' or I decide I'm going to make something for tea that night because Mum enjoyed it. 

In many ways I do feel cheated that I lost Mum before the age of 30 and she won't see me have other life milestones, but I was fortunate enough to have a lovely brilliant Mum for 29 years and that was the best gift. I hope those memories help you too.