Not sure how much longer I can do this

This really resonated with me. I lost my dad a week ago today. He would be 60 on Tuesday. He suffered so much in his last few weeks and I have 10 month old son. It must have hurt him so much to contemplate the future. I am dreading Christmas. It is my sons 1st but Christmas was my dad's thing and I can't bring myself to even think about it. I won't be decorating or putting up a tree. I tell myself that my son won't remember and he'll only try and pull the tree down. I am so lost. I just want to speak to my dad and tell him how I'm feeling. We bury him the day after my birthday. 

Thank you for your reply. Gosh you have so much to deal with coming up. So many firsts without your dad all at once. I don’t blame you for not bothering with Christmas. It was my younger ones first Christmas last year and I didn’t really spend it with her, I was in hospital with my mum. Like you say, they won’t remember. and I think putting on a brave face and pretending to be happy sometimes just makes it worse. I just worked on my birthday as I would have always taken the day off and spent it with my mum before. I found that helped to get through the day. Ive decided to avoid any family Christmas gatherings with my partners family, and working Boxing Day. I think for many people getting through Christmas is just about survival isn’t it. Finding ways to get through it. My heart really goes out to you. I am only 8 months in to losing my mum so I can’t even say if it gets any easier. I am just so thankful I have my children, otherwise I know I wouldn’t be here xxx