Hello, I'm new here and just joined the group to see if I can get any help or advice. I lost my dad in January 2017 due to bowel cancer. I was 27 at the time. I basically blocked it out and barely ever speak about it as a way of copying which I know isnt healthy. I've been in a relationship since before this happened and my partner has mentioned that I struggle to show emotions, and I'm not affectionate at all. I know I'm like this but can't help it. I am not sure how to change this either and it's starting to take it's toll on the relationship. I wondered if anyone knows where I can start with trying to process things and maybe getting help with this.. I'm not to sure how to go about it to be honest.
Thanks in advance Lxx
Hi Lkayx
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your dad.
Everything you are experiencing is a perfectly normal part of grieving. You can take great comfort from knowing that he is no longer suffering. Sometimes a delayed reaction to the loss of a loved one happens - it is your own mind telling you that are not ready yet to deal with the full grieving process. Have a look at some of these pages to get a more detailed description.
Your dad will always be around you in spirit and you have to open yourself to accepting this and letting him through to help support, guide and comfort you. Talk to him anywhere, anytime and tell him how you feel and ask him to respond to you. He will always find a way to let you know he is near - you just have to open yourself to accept the signs. These could be immediate or a few days later and could be radio / tv re-tuning to his favourite, smelling his aftershave, finding something you thought was lost a long time ago or finding an unexpected white feather. Visit his favourite place such as the local park and talk to him there, you may feel a breath of wind on a very still day or a bird may come exceptionally close - either will be a sign he is near.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve nor is there any time limit - we are all different and grieve in our own way at our own pace. never feel bad about how you are feeling or expect to be over it by a certain time and never bottle up your emotions. Even in a busy supermarket you can shed silent tears or pop to the toilet for a real cry. You do have to be there for other members of your family, but you do need to find time for yourself. You need to express your grief - maybe a few days away on your own? Possibly visit one of your dads' favourite places where you can talk to him and enjoy the relaxing feeling of knowing he is near you. Your family will understand that you need this time away on your own and will support you in this.
Can you talk to your partner in depth about this? Ask them to help you to just sit alone somewhere so you can talk to your dad and not feel any embarrassment (some people can't talk to lost loved ones in front of others). Let your partner read your post and this reply - leave it open on screen while you make a cuppa so they can see it alone and maybe realise you need more support. Maybe if your partner has not experienced a similar loss, they don't fully understand what you are feeling. Involve them in the suggestion below.
One of the best ways to express all your emotions is to create a memory book. Writing what you feel - happy, sad, bitter, anger, loneliness, fear - can help to express exactly what you feel. You can use this to help find a pattern of ways that helps in each situation. You can include memories from your childhood, stories from your dads' childhood, stories from other relatives, stories from any of your dads' friends and lots of photos. You can keep the book for as long as you want and regularly add to it or just bin it once you start to move on. No one else needs to see it but if you work with others it could help as a family to talk together and express your emotions in front of each other.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here, and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
Thanks David, that's really helpful and I'll definitely take a look over the links you have share, some of the ideas I had never thought of so I appreciate your advice and suggestions 
