I seemed to be doing OK until this month. Mum died 11 months ago from secondaries associated with a small melanoma a couple of years back. Biopsies and visual scans all OK. She had a persistent clearing of the throat style cough. Early October 2021 she went to A&E with stomach cramps......which turned out to be liver cancer and then lung cancer then lymph nodes then even a couple of tumours on the brain. 6 weeks later just starting oral chemotherapy she died from lung cancer. The hospital consultant told me her melanoma did not warrant scans....it was category C and they were only beginning this year to scan N or something like that. . They cared for her well at Barts Health hospitals but I still feel robbed and can't believe how quickly she deteriorated.
Hi GJS
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mum.
Everything you are experiencing is a perfectly normal part of grieving. You can take great comfort from knowing that she is no longer suffering. Unfortunately, some cancers are very hard to detect and appear slow growing but spread rapidly and are only found when it is too late. Also, many illness can have similar symptoms, so it is not always easy to diagnose.
Your mum will always be around you in spirit and you have to open yourself to accepting this and letting her through to help support, guide and comfort you. Talk to her anywhere, anytime and tell her how you feel and ask her to respond to you. She will always find a way to let you know she is near - you just have to open yourself to accept the signs. These could be immediate or a few days later and could be radio / tv re-tuning to her favourite, smelling her perfume, finding something you thought was lost a long time ago or finding an unexpected white feather. Visit her favourite place such as the local park and talk to her there, you may feel a breath of wind on a very still day or a bird may come exceptionally close - either will be a sign she is near.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve nor is there any time limit - we are all different and grieve in our own way at our own pace. never feel bad about how you are feeling or expect to be over it by a certain time and never bottle up your emotions. Even in a busy supermarket you can shed silent tears or pop to the toilet for a real cry. You do have to be there for other members of your family, but you do need to find time for yourself. You need to express your grief - maybe a few days away on your own? Possibly visit one of your mums' favourite places where you can talk to her and enjoy the relaxing feeling of knowing she is near you. Your family will understand that you need this time away on your own and will support you in this.
One of the best ways to express all your emotions is to create a memory book. Writing what you feel - happy, sad, bitter, anger, loneliness, fear - can help to express exactly what you feel. You can use this to help find a pattern of ways that helps in each situation. You can include memories from your childhood, stories from other relatives, stories from any of your mums' friends and lots of photos. You can keep the book for as long as you want and regularly add to it or just bin it once you start to move on. No one else needs to see it but if you work with others it could help as a family to talk together and express your emotions in front of each other.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here, and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
