I feel so lost without my dad

Hi, I'm so sorry that you've lost your dad.  You did nothing wrong as your dad was passing and from what you've written your dad loved you very much and there's no right or wrong way to act or feel as you're watching your parent pass. 

Life does go on, even though you feel like it never will but this new reality without your dad is so new and so raw at the moment.  Thinking about your dad is so painful now but try to not stop yourself from thinking or feeling because it will overwhelm you. There are lots of places you can get support with bereavement along with this group to help you.

Sending you lots of love xxx

Hi Anonymous23,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your father. I can relate to what you have written in your post. My dad passed away just over a week ago. My dad had throat cancer in 2020 and we were told by doctors that there was a good probability of cure. My dad and I were always the closest in the family and were best friends. I attended every check up appointment with him and it looked like the cancer was behind us.

My dad was a very fit and active 70 year old man. In April he developed lower back pain which we thought was sciatica. The pain did not improve and in September we had a private MRI and we were called into the GPs office that evening to be told he had metastatic cancer to the bones. The GP told us he probably had six to twelve months to live but he would undergo tests to find the primary cancer (we were told throat cancer does not metastasise like this).

The next few weeks were a rollercoaster, dad ended up confused and in hospital, then he came home and we had hope then he deteriorated again and ended up confused and my mum and I could not get him to listen or sit down. Around this time a bone marrow biopsy confirmed that it was the throat cancer despite doctors telling us this would not be the case. 

My dad ended up going into hospice on 11th November to hopefully reverse the confusion (we thought caused by meds) and to then come home but he never came round. My dad went into hospice on a Friday and he passed away on the Tuesday with my mum, myself and my brother by his side.

My dad is my best friend, my number one protector and the person I love the most in this world. I am much older than you at 36 but I also feel like a lost little girl and all I want is my dad back. I replay my dad's final moments in the hospice and although I have been told that my dad was pain free and did not suffer seeing my father pass away and realising it was his final moments was a terrifying experience. Unless you have seen someone pass away nothing can prepare you for it. I held my dad's hand during those final few days and I talked about happy memories but I also sobbed which I felt selfish for. I feel so much guilt that I should have done more to protect and prepare my dad but I know deep down that I did everything I could. 

You took care of your dad when he needed you and he knew how much you loved him. That is what matters to people, providing love, care and support. Your dad will know and remember that. I don't have any advice as I feel lost and hopeless myself right now but I relate to what you have written.

Xx

I am so sorry for the loss of your your dad especially at such a young age. I lost my step dad 18months ago and my mum two weeks ago both to cancer. I have felt guilty as I was unable to be with dad at the end due to covid regulations in the hospice. I was with mum at the end but like you I did not handle it the way I would have wanted. I console myself with knowing that mum knew how much I loved her without me having to say anything. I am sure your dad and my mum would want to take our pain away if they could. I am 51 and struggling with loosing my parents my heart truly goes out to you. Grief just us all jn very different ways. There is no right or wrong way to deal with grief. Take comfort in all the good times with your Dad and the special relationship you had. As a parent that is what I would want my children to do. Take care of yourself and try not to be too hard on yourself too. Xx