Anger surrounding my Dads death

Hi Kim 

Welcome to the community.  I'm sorry to hear about the recent loss of your dad.

Everything you are experiencing is a perfectly normal part of grieving.  You can take great comfort from knowing that he is no longer suffering and having his family around him during that time would have given him great comfort and made his passing more emotionally peaceful.

Your dad will always be around you in spirit and you have to open yourself to accepting this and letting him through to help support, guide and comfort you.  Talk to him anywhere, anytime and tell him how you feel and ask him to respond to you.  He will always find a way to let you know he is near you just have to open yourself to accept the signs.  These could be immediate or a few days later and could be radio / tv retuning to his favourite, smelling his aftershave, finding something you thought was lost a long time ago or finding an unexpected white feather.  Visit his favourite place such as the local park and talk to him there, you may feel a breath a wind on a very still day or a bird may come exceptionally close - either will be a sign he is near.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve nor is there any time limit - we are all different and grieve in our own way at our own pace.  never feel bad about how you are feeling or expect to be over it by a certain time and never bottle up your emotions.  Even in a busy supermarket you can shed silent tears or pop to the toilet for a real cry.

One of the best ways to express all your emotions is to create a memory book.  Writing what you feel - happy, sad, bitter, anger, loneliness, fear - can help to express exactly what you feel.  You can use this to help find a pattern of ways that helps in each situation.  You can include memories from your childhood, stories your dad told you about when he was a child, stories from other relatives, stories from any of your dads' friends and lots of photos.  You can keep the book for as long as you want and regularly add to it or just bin it once you start to move on.  No one else needs to see it but if you work with oothers it could help as a family to talk together and express your emotions in front of each other.

If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat.  You can use this link your area to find support near where you live.  This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.  

Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.

There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.

This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back.  This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.

This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.

Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I and you are you.

Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.

Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around

the corner .......

All is well.

Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.

Hey Kim

im going through the same - my dad passed last week.

Here if u want to chat x

Thank you David, those words do help and I will use the resources you have provided too. The memory book is definitely something that may help x 

Hi

Thanks for your reply, I would like that. 
I’m sorry for your loss, not that those words help but I understand the pain you’re in right now. X 

I am so very sorry about your dad. I have recently lost my dad to prostate cancer too and it’s just awful - there is no dressing it up. I have no idea whether the cancer spread to dad’s brain but in the last few weeks, the confusion was beyond anything I could ever have imagined. He plummeted in is last week and I, like you, feel a deep sense of anger and frustration about the way things progressed. I wish that there was something I could say to ease the pain - for both of us - it helps me to come on here and see I am not alone at least (though it is truly awful to see how many people are lost to this terrible disease). Sending you love xxx

Hi Lisa 

Thank you for your response, as awful as it is, it also helps me to know that I am not alone in this and that people feel the same frustration as me. 

I’m so sorry about your Dad, life is so cruel. 
Watching good men, good fathers, deteriorate and pass away unfairly is the worst. 

Prostate cancer has a less than 1% chance of reaching the brain and my dad fell into that group. He was a good man and deserved better. 

I hope your father passed away peacefully. 
It gives me peace to know that my dad is out of pain now, I hope you feel that way too. 

If you ever need someone to talk to, please feel free to message me. I don’t think others quite understand unless they have been though it xx

Hi Kim

It really is cruel. We were ‘lucky’ in that dad’s pain was well managed but the fatigue and weakness as the cancer took hold was just beyond anything that I could ever have imagined. Dad was a proud and determined man and had always seemed so well - until he wasn’t. 

I had read that prostate cancer spreads very rarely to the brain after the GP suggested that might be what we were seeing. We didn’t feel more scans and tests would be helpful by then (and dad would have struggled physically to have them) but it does leave me with lots of questions. His last week was beyond hard as he regressed in terms of his ability to think and communicate. I thought I was mentally prepared for the end but I wasn’t and I hadn’t appreciated that the confusion and agitation would take over as it did. 

Dad did pass peacefully in the end but there were some traumatic moments, more so for me than for him I think. We were lucky to have hospice at home support on his last night which made all the difference - I’ll be forever grateful for that. 

I just miss him terribly. My world feels empty despite having my husband and little boy here at home with me. My little boy is autistic and non verbal which has added another dimension too - he does though make me keep going. 

Sorry, I am rambling. I’ve not posted on here before though don’t quite know why as I joined some time ago. Perhaps it was a question of time and now I am not caring for dad as well as my little boy, there is so much more of it. 

I hope that, despite everything, you are managing to put one foot in front of the other. There is some comfort, as you say, in knowing that they aren’t suffering but I find that only helps to a point. I hope you are surrounded by good people who are showing love and support. Always at the end of a message if it would help to offload or just share. 

Lisa xxx

Hi Lisa, 

You’re not rambling at all, I have never posted here either. I just needed a place to say how I felt. 

My dad was the same, such a proud man. He handled the cancer well and my god he fought it. My little boy was born in July this year and he is my dads first grandson. He kept him fighting to the very end, I think my dad was tired, he had enough and he needed to let go when he did. I was lucky that the confusion only lasted a few days before his death. He was at home until the last few days and then died in hospital. 

i understand what you mean about the trauma, I think it is much more traumatic for us as family to watch the end of life approach. 

i miss my dad too, I love my husband and my son and they keep me going but losing your father is losing a part of yourself. He has been a constant in my life and now I feel a gaping hole in my life. I thought I was mentally prepared too, we knew it was coming but I naive to think his last few days would be at home with a chance to have final conversations. Even though you know it is inevitable, when it happens the pain is indescribable. 

 I am taking it day by day and i have a great family around me. I hope the same for you. We must carry on and enjoy our lives. Our Dads would want it that way. Life is too short and you never know when your time is up. Xx