Hi everyone
I lost my dad last week, the whole experience has been very traumatic for me.
My Dad was the strongest guy I knew even to the very end.
Not only am I devastated that he’s not here, I can’t get over all his suffering either.
When I am in bed at night I have flashbacks of all the bad parts - the last days, him holding my hand, not eating, bleeding everywhere, telling me he’s dying, all the hope he had gone. I hope he wasn’t scared. I was.
Its so soul destroying.
months of treatments which were horrible, long hospital stays, worrying, hoping.
It’s the worse thing to watch someone you love so much go through.
Then one day he’s ok and a 2 weeks later he’s not here anymore.
I love him so much my heart is broken I’m crushed.
I don’t think I’ll ever get over it.
Hi TSG
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the recent loss of your dad.
Everything you are experiencing is a perfectly normal part of grieving. You can take great comfort from knowing that you were there with him during those final few weeks - this would also have given him great comfort. He would have been scared for himself, but he would also be scared for you being left without him.
Your dad will always be around you in spirit and you have to open yourself to accepting this and letting him through to help support, guide and comfort you. Talk to him anywhere, anytime and tell him how you feel and ask him to respond to you. He will always find a way to let you know he is near you just have to open yourself to accept the signs. These could be immediate or a few days later and could be radio / tv retuning to his favourite, smelling his aftershave, finding something you thought was lost a long time ago or finding an unexpected white feather. Visit his favourite place such as the local park and talk to him there, you may feel a breath a wind on a very still day or a bird may come exceptionally close - either will be a sign he is near.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve nor is there any time limit - we are all different and grieve in our own way at our own pace. never feel bad about how you are feeling or expect to be over it by a certain time and never bottle up your emotions. Even in a busy supermarket you can shed silent tears or pop to the toilet for a real cry.
One of the best ways to express all your emotions is to create a memory book. Writing what you feel - happy, sad, bitter, anger, loneliness, fear - can help to express exactly what you feel. You can use this to help find a pattern of ways that helps in each situation. You can include memories from your childhood, stories your dad told you about when he was a child, stories from other relatives, stories from any of your dads' friends and lots of photos. You can keep the book for as long as you want and regularly add to it or just bin it once you start to move on. No one else needs to see it but if you work with oothers it could help as a family to talk together and express your emotions in front of each other.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
