Slipping into a black hole.....

Hi itsallaboutyou...Reading your post is in many parts similar to my experience. ..I am more than happy to connect with you if that helps. 

I have been wanting to talk to people who have gone through something similar and may understand how that feels, how they cope or don't cope, etc and like you put it I am also scared of the Pandoras box effect of talking about,despite thinking about all the time, saying things out loud can often feel like re living  the whole traumatic experience.

Have you considered a bereavement support service? 

Hi Birdy789,

Thank you for your reply.

I have had a handful for bereavement support but for me I don't find it's helped.

I just find everyday that ticks on is getting worse? Have you found that? The GP prescribed me with sleeping tablets as I keep waking up in tears, having nightmares about those final moments but as they are nightmares they are turning into terrors. 

The sleeping tablets are turning me into a zombie and I find I'm falling asleep during the day only for about 20 minutes but it's still not ideal.

I work from home as I just can't face the commute to work, being around people in an office.

Honestly feels like I'm spinning out of control. Everything is just so complicated  

I'm waiting on being paired with someone from bereavement support...I'm not comfortable talking about it with people as it brings it all up a fresh again.. but as I said, I'm pretty much constantly re hashing it , especially the events of the last day which were very traumatic and did not in my opinion look or feel like a  peaceful death. 

I wish someone from the palliative care team or district nurses had told me what I could expect, what the dying process might look like, what cheyne stokes looks like, etc etc

I also sleep badly and have done since my Mam had a stroke 2 months after her diagnosis....since then she was unable to find her words and lost her mobility...so was totally dependent on me. I sort of developed a sleeping with one eye open kind of thing. I thought about asking the gp for something to help me sleep, but figured it would just be a short term solution and have held off on it so far. I am considering asking for something to help with my state of mind as I too feel like I am falling in to a depression that I am not sure sire I will be able to get myself out of.

I totally understand the not wanting to be around folk, feeling that things are getting worse as I remember events of the last days and hours that I can't accept, process or forgive myself for not realising better what was happening or knowing what to do, and I have experienced nightmares and feeling like I can not breathe  during the night, and find myself gasping for air which was part of the traumatic events of the last day.

I have been told by friends to try to find good memories to focus on etc, but I find thinking of them too hard to bear. 

All this on top of just wanting her back, even just for 1 day, even an hour or 1 minute...I feel I can't even start a grieving process till I get a grip on this trauma. 

I can relate to your reply in more ways than anyone could imagine.

I had no preparation for what the last moments would be like, although there was so much love around her the whole ordeal was horrific, You wouldn't let an animal suffer. 

And then we had to wait 2 hours for the undertakers, I don't know how I'm going to cope this Xmas! 

You know who your friends are in times like these, I've found that some have almost distanced them selves like ive got the plague.

I feel almost riddled with guilt "could I have done more maybe" would she have got sepsis if she hadn't had her stent but she needed to have it as jaundice has set in.

I just want to hear her voice, have a cuddle make her a cup of tea.

Everyone keeps telling me how out and get some fresh air, but I just can't do it.

For the first three months I was still getting out, autopilot but now 7 months in its hit me like a huge massive stone wall. 

Exactly.. why must humans have to suffer! Because I'm sure for all the peaceful deaths I am sure there are as many if not more unpeaceful ones...the laws need addressed and changed.

Yep, I'm dreading the whole festive season  but I am planing to be take a trip away for a few months. I find being in the house very difficult now. Its cold and empty and does not feel like home anymore without her...and there are lots of triggers I see daily.. even when away or out at the shops I see triggers but the massive shift in the home environment is a constant sadness....I struggle to feel comfortable there.

It's easy for folk to say get out and get some air..but when you feel weighed down with all this, it feels like a huge effort that you struggle to have energy for.

If your managing to keep working I would say give yourself a pat on the back...that's brilliant and a huge achievement.  I'm not ready to get back to work yet. 

Maybe go back to your gp and see if there is something they can give you and try again at talking therapy of some kind. I know that I am dreading talking about it. But maybe it will help. I think anyone in this situation needs to try everything they can get access to. And if your getting up and out of bed each day and putting one foot in front of the other..remind yourself your doing great to manage that.

Have you got any support in the form of family or pals you can turn to?

I looked after my husband at home until he died ten months ago. He also had a dreadful death as he struggled so hard to live. I personally didnt go down the medication route but I did have counselling. I wept buckets every session but it was good for me to talk to a stranger as I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone else about how he died.

I think about him all my waking hours but I do go out and socialize, it is a small relief from the sadness and I would recommend trying hard to to get out, it's very hard at first but gets easier and I also found the kindness of relative strangers amazing.

I think anything and everything is worth trying. I have met with a couple of friends since her death, but as I may have already said, only ones I feel can understand due to their own recent losses. As I realised myself, at the time of their losses I felt terrible for them and sad for them, I could completely empathise...but I couldn't feel exactly how it felt or what they were going through. I couldn't feel all the physical pain, etc. That only comes from being in that situation. So I suppose I am avoiding some people until I feel more able to deal with it.